Sep 26, 2011

Today I Struggle with Emotion

Please do NOT judge me by this blog.  I realize that I haven't blogged in quite some time, but today there is something I need to get off my chest.  It hasn't been brewing in my mind for months, weeks or even days.  It's something that just happened literally hours ago, and I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around it.

You could essentially call today's writing, an EMERGENCY Blog. 

Around my office today, there are tears being shed.  Lots of them.

There was a very tragic accident this weekend involving one of our coworkers.  The accident took their life away and now the family of the coworker is left grieving.  For the loss of their loved one of course, but it was a very tragic accident and the family is left reeling, not knowing what to do.  I can imagine, it's a very difficult time.

Here at the office, everyone is in shock.  This person was the go-to for just about everything.  And, everyone loved the co-worker who just passed away so tragically.

Our office is basically at a stand still.  Faces are expressionless.  There is no motion.  No flow.  It's as if today is not happening. 

And here I sit, sick to my stomach.  I have no emotion.  I am not crying.  I'm not smiling either. 

Did  you read that? 

I'm not crying. 

I think I'm the only one in this building who has not cried.  It's not that I didn't like this person, because I did.  Every time they walked through the door there was a genuine smile and they ALWAYS acknowledged me. 

This person was the very first person I had contact with once I was selected for my current position.  They expressed genuine happiness that I was joining this office.  When we finally met, the words that were spoken to me, completely shocked me.  If you know me, you know that I'm a very strong willed woman.  I think I'm smart, and funny and pretty and I can do anything I set my mind to.  I do NOT need a man to get me where I'm going, and that would be TTT.  Yes, one day I will be going To The TOP!

So, you can imagine my surprise and shock when I heard this from my co-worker my first day on the job:

"It's so great to finally meet Jason's wife.  You know, you'll always be just 'Jason's Wife', you wont have your own name here.  We all love Jason so much that we will simply refer to you as 'Jason's Wife'."

That right there set the tone for the relationship I had with that co-worker.  I was always friendly, and genuinely happy to see this person when they walked through the door.  Because this person was honestly a nice person.  But, I never forgot what they said and how it made me feel like I will never amount to anything without my last name, and that perhaps I even got my promotion because I am 'Jason's Wife'.  Maybe they didn't mean it that way, and perhaps it was just something said to make me more aware that my husband is a fantastic person to all that know him here, but still, I think I took it the wrong way. 

Just 4 days ago, that person walked through the door and said:  "Hello Genny".  I've been here for almost 2 years now, and Thursday was the first day I was called by my real name by that co-worker.  Today, that co-worker rests in Heaven and I know that to be true.  But, today, I'm wondering why I'm not crying.  Death is sad is it not?  Especially when it happens so sudden and tragic as it did in this case.

I didn't know this person as well as so many others who work here did.  I didn't have contact with this co-worker on a daily basis, but those who have tears falling from their eyes, and pain in their heart today *did* know him that well. I'm really struggling today with the fact that I'm not crying.  I have tried on numerous occasions to lift the spirits of those who are hurt.  But, to no avail, they turn their heads at me and ignore my genuine effort to make them feel a little better.

I'm afraid that today I'm being looked down upon because I didn't stay for prayer service after the short meeting.  I'm afraid that the sound of keypad typing coming from my office door has those who aren't able to get through today feeling as though I have a hardened heart.

I don't.  Honestly, I have a very soft heart and you will occasionally find it on my sleeve.  Out there for everyone to see.  Wide open for anyone who wishes to puncture it at any time.

I guess I'm reaching out to my faithful readers for help.  Help me understand why I'm feeling this way and Please, for the love of God and my co-worker, God Rest His Soul, tell me, I'm not a bad person am I?