Nov 21, 2011

By far the Weirdest Massage EVER!

This is going to be VERY, VERY long......get comfortable.

Someone who spoils me rotten tells me all the time "You're not spoiled, you're just well taken care of".

But, really....I'm totally spoiled.

I get a massage once a month. Sometimes twice.

I get my nails and toes done every two weeks. 

And, I get my hair done every 8 weeks.

It's totally a girl thing.

And, I'm spoiled.

I've been so busy the last 6 weeks, that I missed my last two massages.  Since I pay for them by auto-draft from my bank account, they don't go away.  Thank god.

It finally slowed down and my attention is no longer in full demand.  For a few days anyway.  So, today I called to see if there was any way I could be squeezed in for an hour massage.  My regular masseuse was not available for the entire week and there was no way I was waiting until next week because something is bound to come up where I wouldn't be able to go.

I have a standing appointment with the same dude for my massages every month. I've been having regular massages since April and I swear to god, the chicks just aren't strong enough.  Either that, or they want to talk my fucking ear off and really, I'm not there to hear how you just love the color of my hair or how you swear my skin looks like a piece of golden brown juicy fried chicken (it was summer and I was really, really tan). So, I finally got the courage to ask for someone, preferably a man, with strong hands.  They found *Leo* and I tip really well.

Today, I was really desperate for a massage.  My back and shoulders have been killing me for the last two weeks, and remember the run last week? My legs are still throbbing.  So, I called and sweet little Jenna at the front said that Whitney was the only one available tonight.  No big deal, I'd just tell her to go stronger on the pressure. 

I check in.

I wait in the tranquility room for Whitney.

I spit my water all over the floor.

I choked.

Whitney walked in the tranquility room to get me.

Whitney is a man.

Who talks like a woman.

With a very pronounced receding hairline.

Shake it off Gen.  It's all good.

It went downhill immediately when ol' Whit told me that she he starts his massages with the client LYING ON THEIR BACKS!!!!.  That's me. Face up. No bra, just panties.  Face up.  Looking at Whitney. And his forehead. 

Awkward, but I go with it.  I'm already shaking inside because I'm trying not to laugh my ass off and he asks me if I'd like him to turn the heat up on the bed.  Go ahead buddy, maybe you'll enjoy the ass sweat!  So, he starts out by asking me to take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale loudly through my mouth.  I do.  He breathes with me.  WAIT!  He's got a bugger stopping the airflow and his nose is whistling.  This happened through the entire massage!  I am NOT relaxing.

He then proceeds to work on my arms and legs....remember I'm face up.  But, at this point I don't give a damn because I'm laughing so hard inside, I'm literally crying.  Tears are streaming down the side of my head.  Each time he finishes a limb of mine, he covers it with the blanket and gives it a nice gentle swipe as if he were whisking the pain away. 

Please picture this, because here is where I lost it completely.

With each swipe of my limbs he did a pirouette!.  I am not shitting you.  He kicked his back leg, pointed his hands and lifted his chin to the ceiling.  I died out laughing and it scared the crap out of this poor man.  He immediately came entirely too close to my face and whispered "Are you alright Genevieve?" 

I lied.

I pretended I was in agonizing pain and quickly flipped over so my back was exposed.

Told him I had a really bad cramp in the middle of my back and if he could just rub my back I think I would feel so much better.

I know I complained about Fried Chicken Talk My Head Off Lady, bud DAMN, this was by far the weirdest massage I have EVER had in my life!

Jermaine is back on Monday.  And I'll be there at 5.

Nov 17, 2011

There is NO WAY you're a Runner if you're a Smoker!!

This is the one I don't want my husband to see.

I knew that damn pack of cigarettes I just had to have in Vegas 4 weeks ago was eventually going to bite me in the ass!

Yes I smoked the whole pack.

All 20 of them. 

By myself.

And paid about $7 dollars too much for them.  But I didn't care that the lady said $9 when she handed them to me.  I had a fantastic buzz and damn it, I was going to smoke.

Today, my lungs hate me.  My taste buds even hate me.  The shit that has been flying up my esophagus is the most foul tasting junk I have ever had resting on my tongue.  And little did I know, my gag reflexes have become so strong in my older age!

I've thrown up twice today.

I decided that after about a month and a half off, I was going to start running again.  I was talking about it yesterday in a meeting with some co-workers and wouldn't you know it, someone who came from out of town found a great place to run and invited me to run with him. 

Why the hell do I not know how to say NO?  I can't do it.  It's not in me at all to say no.

This guy runs 7 days a week.  Every. Single. Day.  And, I'm not talking the little 2 miles that I was planning on starting out with.  I can guarantee you he runs about 10-15 miles a day. 

My stupid fat ass said I would go run with him this morning.

One of my greatest qualities is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it.  I never back out.

Today, I wish I would have backed out.

First, it was like 30 degrees outside.  And, I love the cold weather but remember the fucking entire pack of cigarettes I smoked 4 weeks ago?  Right.  My lungs were already pissed at me for that.  Add the nice cold crisp air stabbing me in the chest and I'm not really a happy camper.

But, I did it.  I committed myself to meet him at 4:45 a.fucking.m and we ran. 

Well, he ran and I jogged.  Most of the time.  Because I had to walk when I almost threw up.  Six times.

He ran circles around me.  Literally.  Like, I was running around the lake, and he was running around me running around the lake! 

I cannot move a muscle in my body.  I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller.  The smokephlegm is just multiplying up my throat and I had to have my husband take my boots off tonight.

Guess what my dumb ass did today before I left work?

I'll let you know how tomorrow's morning run goes.....ugh.

Nov 15, 2011


There are two people who are going to be very happy when I'm done typing.

I think.

They know who they are.  They know each other. They Should probably get married.

They're assholes too, because they're benefiting from my lack of ability to sleep at this early morning hour.

Oh, they're not asleep.  It's a different time zone where they are.  I bet they're on their 3rd Micro brew as I type.

But, I can't sleep.

The older I get, the less sleep I get and that's so funny because when I was really young, I thought all my parents did was sleep.  Maybe that's why I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters?

Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at pretending I'm in the deepest sleep ever.

Huh?, she's got the apple.  Tell him to flip the shoe before it's burned.....

That's either a super deep sleep or someone slipped me a Mickey when I wasn't looking.  But, it worked because he rolled over and went to sleep. Ha!

And sometimes, I just have a really bad headache *wink, wink*!

Anyway - there are a million things running through my mind right now.  And my intestines too....I was so busy today, I forgot to eat until around 7 when I finally got home from work.  I ate a 1/2 a pop tart and 1/2 a bag of Chex Mix.  My bowels are not too happy with me right now!

So, I can't sleep because believe it or not, I'm NOT a good speaker when I have to stand up in front of you and 16 of your peers and bullshit my way through a presentation.  You know why?  Because I'm not a good liar.  When you're looking at me.  Let me tell some BS you over the phone, or in an email and I can bust that shit out.  But put me up in front of you, and I know you can see right through me!

A few weeks ago I was in Orlando at a small conference and I actually made fun of someone because she was so nervous when she got up to speak that she sounded like she was crying.

Carma is going to bite me on the ass tomorrow.  Because guess what this bitch sounds like when she's nervous?  LIKE I'M CRYING!!!!

I already have a call in for some Xanax. Some one's ass might be beat if they don't come through too.

I dont' give a shit if I sound like I'm three sheets to the wind.

I'd rather you think I had myself a little toddy in the morning before my presentation than for you to think I was so nervous I couldn't get my words out. 

I guess I better do my best to close my eyes and fall asleep.  Here's how tired I am.  When I close my eyes I see a god damned second hand spinning in super speed around and around and around.

Nite nite!