Jun 15, 2011

I *am* a Runner

Seven weeks ago yesterday, I came up with the brilliant idea that I was going to start running again.

Yes, I said running. 

But you know what I mean - hell, I'd be lying if I said I ran but jogging sounds so lame to me. 

Hey Hun, I'm going out for a jog! 

Sounds lame right?  But, this sounds bad ass:

Whew, that run was wicked!

Seriously though, I'm probably the slowest runner in Mississippi.  Really, I know we're the fattest state and all but, because of my superior driving skills, I just about drive over a runner every single day.  They seem to be everywhere! 

This is why I choose to get my fat ass up at 4:30 am.  I run in the dark.  The morning dark. The night dark is still too hot and once, I tried to run at night and I literally went around the block.  One time.  And I walked 1/2 way. It's just too damn hot and I'm already drained from my day job.  So, I run in the morning dark.  Mostly because I'm refreshed from sleeping and I have more energy.  But, also because all things (like 97% humidity and the fact that it's already 75 degrees at 4:30 am) considered, it really is cooler.  However, I originally started my running journey in the morning because of the fucking asshole runners that seem to be everywhere in my neighborhood and all along every single road my pretty little Altima travels over.  They're EVERYWHERE! Truth is, I don't want them to be jealous of my stealth running skills.  Ha, NOT!  I would hate to be lapped in my own neighborhood.  So, I choose the very early morning for my run.

The first few days I was running the hood solo.  All alone. Nothing but my thoughts and very heavy breathing to keep me company.  Sorry guys, the heavy breathing is the gross kind, not the sexy kind.  Anyway, a few of the mornings I would see a nice older lady taking what seemed to be a leisurely walk.  At 5 am. I threw my hand up and panted a "morning" to her as we passed each other.  A few times, I even saw her *jogging*.  I unconsciously picked up my pace when I saw her up ahead.  And yes, I even looked over my shoulder to make sure she was out of site so I could slow down again. 

It freaked me the hell out last Friday when I saw her.  The bitch was running.  RUNNING.  Not jogging like fatty here.  Running.  At first I was impressed.  I thought 'good for her', she's picking up her pace.

Who am I kidding?  I was pissed.

Today, I'm not so impressed.  In fact, I'm still a little pissed.  See, each morning we'd meet at a certain point, me going one way and she going the other and we passed every morning at the same spot. Without fail, I'd beat her on our second lap around.  You know, three or four driveways ahead of our first passing point.  Today, even though I ran about three quarters of a mile farther than usual, I looped around the same streets on the way back.  I was going one way and she was going the other.  When I got back around to the other side she was headed straight out of the neighborhood!!! 


I'm going to bed now so I can get plenty of rest.  I'll be sprinting tomorrow.

Please call me, text me or email me sometime during the day and check on me.  I feel sure I'll kill myself out there.  I'll probably fall on my face.  Skin my knees up or break a leg, but I'll be damned if the *JOGGER* is going to show me up!