Dec 31, 2011

What DIDN'T happen in 2011

First, I'm totally lazy.

I don't want to move from my comfy spot on the couch to go type out a blog.

But, as I sit here alone on my couch, reflecting back on the past year while my sweet boys sleep no matter how hard they tried to stay awake, I thought I'd share the year with you. There are some things though that I'll keep to myself.

So, using my smart ass, I mean er, smart phone, I'm trying to post a damn blog.

As a reader (Taunia), you should feel special that I'm even following through because the keyboard will NOT turn to the side. I'm forced to one finger it!

Type. One finger type. Geeze!

Basically, this year totally rocked because so many things *didn't* happen. I didn't get written up at work. Which is so shocking because I know you won't believe this but, my mouth is the same in the office as it is on my blog and Facebook. It's just who I am.

I didn't break a bone this year. I have broken at least one bone a year for the last 4 years! I almost didn't make it this year with my knee though...I don't consider an injection under my knee cap major...although it was kind of major that my husband almost wrecked the truck because he didn't get the picture of the needle in my knee that I text him, until he was driving home from work and almost passed out at the wheel. Oops!

I didn't get pregnant. And omg, that's all I have to say about that. There's a black cat pacing in front of me and I'm all about superstition, wives tales and all that other shit. Plus, I am notorious for jinxing the fuck out of myself!

I didn't get a speeding ticket. Wait. Well damn, now the world knows but please don't tell my husband!

I'd like to say I didn't piss anyone off but who the hell am I kidding? With 365 days in a year there's a damn good chance that at LEAST 75% of the year was spent thinking of ways to piss off my enemies. I am, after all a total asshole. The good thing is I didn't make any *more* enemies.

This is the first year that I didn't want to lock myself in the trunk of my car with a bottle of vodka. Between two boys that can't even let me take a crap, shower or shave my bikini line without having to know every single detail of exactly how and why I'm doing it while begging "please mommy, why can't we sit at the bathroom door while you're relaxing on the toilet?" and the JA I married who thinks its funny to scare the living shit out of me as I round every. Damn. Corner. Of. My. House! Seriously, the trunk is amazingly quiet.

This year I didn't one time have to ask my boys to help me pack my suitcase so I could run away. I think the last four years of asking them to just dump my panty drawer in the suitcase finally got to them. All I have to do is open the closet where my suitcase is and they start cleaning their rooms and yelling how much they love each other!

Overall I had a great mommy year. My professional life is moving right along at a great pace and hopefully 2012 will be even better. I got really close to some very special people who will forever be in my heart and I've made some fantastic friends.

2011 also proved to be a non "sibling drama" filled year. I don't recall telling any of my three brothers or my twin to fuck off and, I even spent quality time with three of the four of them for what turned out to be super fun memories that I will cherish!

I look forward to 2012 being a thousand times better and again surrounding myself with those I love and who love me back!

Happy New Year!

Nov 21, 2011

By far the Weirdest Massage EVER!

This is going to be VERY, VERY long......get comfortable.

Someone who spoils me rotten tells me all the time "You're not spoiled, you're just well taken care of".

But, really....I'm totally spoiled.

I get a massage once a month. Sometimes twice.

I get my nails and toes done every two weeks. 

And, I get my hair done every 8 weeks.

It's totally a girl thing.

And, I'm spoiled.

I've been so busy the last 6 weeks, that I missed my last two massages.  Since I pay for them by auto-draft from my bank account, they don't go away.  Thank god.

It finally slowed down and my attention is no longer in full demand.  For a few days anyway.  So, today I called to see if there was any way I could be squeezed in for an hour massage.  My regular masseuse was not available for the entire week and there was no way I was waiting until next week because something is bound to come up where I wouldn't be able to go.

I have a standing appointment with the same dude for my massages every month. I've been having regular massages since April and I swear to god, the chicks just aren't strong enough.  Either that, or they want to talk my fucking ear off and really, I'm not there to hear how you just love the color of my hair or how you swear my skin looks like a piece of golden brown juicy fried chicken (it was summer and I was really, really tan). So, I finally got the courage to ask for someone, preferably a man, with strong hands.  They found *Leo* and I tip really well.

Today, I was really desperate for a massage.  My back and shoulders have been killing me for the last two weeks, and remember the run last week? My legs are still throbbing.  So, I called and sweet little Jenna at the front said that Whitney was the only one available tonight.  No big deal, I'd just tell her to go stronger on the pressure. 

I check in.

I wait in the tranquility room for Whitney.

I spit my water all over the floor.

I choked.

Whitney walked in the tranquility room to get me.

Whitney is a man.

Who talks like a woman.

With a very pronounced receding hairline.

Shake it off Gen.  It's all good.

It went downhill immediately when ol' Whit told me that she he starts his massages with the client LYING ON THEIR BACKS!!!!.  That's me. Face up. No bra, just panties.  Face up.  Looking at Whitney. And his forehead. 

Awkward, but I go with it.  I'm already shaking inside because I'm trying not to laugh my ass off and he asks me if I'd like him to turn the heat up on the bed.  Go ahead buddy, maybe you'll enjoy the ass sweat!  So, he starts out by asking me to take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale loudly through my mouth.  I do.  He breathes with me.  WAIT!  He's got a bugger stopping the airflow and his nose is whistling.  This happened through the entire massage!  I am NOT relaxing.

He then proceeds to work on my arms and legs....remember I'm face up.  But, at this point I don't give a damn because I'm laughing so hard inside, I'm literally crying.  Tears are streaming down the side of my head.  Each time he finishes a limb of mine, he covers it with the blanket and gives it a nice gentle swipe as if he were whisking the pain away. 

Please picture this, because here is where I lost it completely.

With each swipe of my limbs he did a pirouette!.  I am not shitting you.  He kicked his back leg, pointed his hands and lifted his chin to the ceiling.  I died out laughing and it scared the crap out of this poor man.  He immediately came entirely too close to my face and whispered "Are you alright Genevieve?" 

I lied.

I pretended I was in agonizing pain and quickly flipped over so my back was exposed.

Told him I had a really bad cramp in the middle of my back and if he could just rub my back I think I would feel so much better.

I know I complained about Fried Chicken Talk My Head Off Lady, bud DAMN, this was by far the weirdest massage I have EVER had in my life!

Jermaine is back on Monday.  And I'll be there at 5.

Nov 17, 2011

There is NO WAY you're a Runner if you're a Smoker!!

This is the one I don't want my husband to see.

I knew that damn pack of cigarettes I just had to have in Vegas 4 weeks ago was eventually going to bite me in the ass!

Yes I smoked the whole pack.

All 20 of them. 

By myself.

And paid about $7 dollars too much for them.  But I didn't care that the lady said $9 when she handed them to me.  I had a fantastic buzz and damn it, I was going to smoke.

Today, my lungs hate me.  My taste buds even hate me.  The shit that has been flying up my esophagus is the most foul tasting junk I have ever had resting on my tongue.  And little did I know, my gag reflexes have become so strong in my older age!

I've thrown up twice today.

I decided that after about a month and a half off, I was going to start running again.  I was talking about it yesterday in a meeting with some co-workers and wouldn't you know it, someone who came from out of town found a great place to run and invited me to run with him. 

Why the hell do I not know how to say NO?  I can't do it.  It's not in me at all to say no.

This guy runs 7 days a week.  Every. Single. Day.  And, I'm not talking the little 2 miles that I was planning on starting out with.  I can guarantee you he runs about 10-15 miles a day. 

My stupid fat ass said I would go run with him this morning.

One of my greatest qualities is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it.  I never back out.

Today, I wish I would have backed out.

First, it was like 30 degrees outside.  And, I love the cold weather but remember the fucking entire pack of cigarettes I smoked 4 weeks ago?  Right.  My lungs were already pissed at me for that.  Add the nice cold crisp air stabbing me in the chest and I'm not really a happy camper.

But, I did it.  I committed myself to meet him at 4:45 a.fucking.m and we ran. 

Well, he ran and I jogged.  Most of the time.  Because I had to walk when I almost threw up.  Six times.

He ran circles around me.  Literally.  Like, I was running around the lake, and he was running around me running around the lake! 

I cannot move a muscle in my body.  I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller.  The smokephlegm is just multiplying up my throat and I had to have my husband take my boots off tonight.

Guess what my dumb ass did today before I left work?

I'll let you know how tomorrow's morning run goes.....ugh.

Nov 15, 2011


There are two people who are going to be very happy when I'm done typing.

I think.

They know who they are.  They know each other. They Should probably get married.

They're assholes too, because they're benefiting from my lack of ability to sleep at this early morning hour.

Oh, they're not asleep.  It's a different time zone where they are.  I bet they're on their 3rd Micro brew as I type.

But, I can't sleep.

The older I get, the less sleep I get and that's so funny because when I was really young, I thought all my parents did was sleep.  Maybe that's why I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters?

Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at pretending I'm in the deepest sleep ever.

Huh?, she's got the apple.  Tell him to flip the shoe before it's burned.....

That's either a super deep sleep or someone slipped me a Mickey when I wasn't looking.  But, it worked because he rolled over and went to sleep. Ha!

And sometimes, I just have a really bad headache *wink, wink*!

Anyway - there are a million things running through my mind right now.  And my intestines too....I was so busy today, I forgot to eat until around 7 when I finally got home from work.  I ate a 1/2 a pop tart and 1/2 a bag of Chex Mix.  My bowels are not too happy with me right now!

So, I can't sleep because believe it or not, I'm NOT a good speaker when I have to stand up in front of you and 16 of your peers and bullshit my way through a presentation.  You know why?  Because I'm not a good liar.  When you're looking at me.  Let me tell some BS you over the phone, or in an email and I can bust that shit out.  But put me up in front of you, and I know you can see right through me!

A few weeks ago I was in Orlando at a small conference and I actually made fun of someone because she was so nervous when she got up to speak that she sounded like she was crying.

Carma is going to bite me on the ass tomorrow.  Because guess what this bitch sounds like when she's nervous?  LIKE I'M CRYING!!!!

I already have a call in for some Xanax. Some one's ass might be beat if they don't come through too.

I dont' give a shit if I sound like I'm three sheets to the wind.

I'd rather you think I had myself a little toddy in the morning before my presentation than for you to think I was so nervous I couldn't get my words out. 

I guess I better do my best to close my eyes and fall asleep.  Here's how tired I am.  When I close my eyes I see a god damned second hand spinning in super speed around and around and around.

Nite nite!

Sep 26, 2011

Today I Struggle with Emotion

Please do NOT judge me by this blog.  I realize that I haven't blogged in quite some time, but today there is something I need to get off my chest.  It hasn't been brewing in my mind for months, weeks or even days.  It's something that just happened literally hours ago, and I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around it.

You could essentially call today's writing, an EMERGENCY Blog. 

Around my office today, there are tears being shed.  Lots of them.

There was a very tragic accident this weekend involving one of our coworkers.  The accident took their life away and now the family of the coworker is left grieving.  For the loss of their loved one of course, but it was a very tragic accident and the family is left reeling, not knowing what to do.  I can imagine, it's a very difficult time.

Here at the office, everyone is in shock.  This person was the go-to for just about everything.  And, everyone loved the co-worker who just passed away so tragically.

Our office is basically at a stand still.  Faces are expressionless.  There is no motion.  No flow.  It's as if today is not happening. 

And here I sit, sick to my stomach.  I have no emotion.  I am not crying.  I'm not smiling either. 

Did  you read that? 

I'm not crying. 

I think I'm the only one in this building who has not cried.  It's not that I didn't like this person, because I did.  Every time they walked through the door there was a genuine smile and they ALWAYS acknowledged me. 

This person was the very first person I had contact with once I was selected for my current position.  They expressed genuine happiness that I was joining this office.  When we finally met, the words that were spoken to me, completely shocked me.  If you know me, you know that I'm a very strong willed woman.  I think I'm smart, and funny and pretty and I can do anything I set my mind to.  I do NOT need a man to get me where I'm going, and that would be TTT.  Yes, one day I will be going To The TOP!

So, you can imagine my surprise and shock when I heard this from my co-worker my first day on the job:

"It's so great to finally meet Jason's wife.  You know, you'll always be just 'Jason's Wife', you wont have your own name here.  We all love Jason so much that we will simply refer to you as 'Jason's Wife'."

That right there set the tone for the relationship I had with that co-worker.  I was always friendly, and genuinely happy to see this person when they walked through the door.  Because this person was honestly a nice person.  But, I never forgot what they said and how it made me feel like I will never amount to anything without my last name, and that perhaps I even got my promotion because I am 'Jason's Wife'.  Maybe they didn't mean it that way, and perhaps it was just something said to make me more aware that my husband is a fantastic person to all that know him here, but still, I think I took it the wrong way. 

Just 4 days ago, that person walked through the door and said:  "Hello Genny".  I've been here for almost 2 years now, and Thursday was the first day I was called by my real name by that co-worker.  Today, that co-worker rests in Heaven and I know that to be true.  But, today, I'm wondering why I'm not crying.  Death is sad is it not?  Especially when it happens so sudden and tragic as it did in this case.

I didn't know this person as well as so many others who work here did.  I didn't have contact with this co-worker on a daily basis, but those who have tears falling from their eyes, and pain in their heart today *did* know him that well. I'm really struggling today with the fact that I'm not crying.  I have tried on numerous occasions to lift the spirits of those who are hurt.  But, to no avail, they turn their heads at me and ignore my genuine effort to make them feel a little better.

I'm afraid that today I'm being looked down upon because I didn't stay for prayer service after the short meeting.  I'm afraid that the sound of keypad typing coming from my office door has those who aren't able to get through today feeling as though I have a hardened heart.

I don't.  Honestly, I have a very soft heart and you will occasionally find it on my sleeve.  Out there for everyone to see.  Wide open for anyone who wishes to puncture it at any time.

I guess I'm reaching out to my faithful readers for help.  Help me understand why I'm feeling this way and Please, for the love of God and my co-worker, God Rest His Soul, tell me, I'm not a bad person am I?

Jul 27, 2011

Good Friends - Even If They Are Your Brothers Friends!

Two years ago I flew to California for a week of fun in celebration of my brothers retirement from 23 years of service in the United States Air Force. 

Each day of the festivities, mom and dad and I got up early to prepare the food for the days events.  Who am I kidding?  My mom and dad got up early while I slept in like a princess. 

The first night, as I was leaving my brothers house, making my trek across the field of Jack Rabbits to the apartment I was staying in, I was quite surprised at the bodies just passed out cold on his floor.  Everywhere.  Guy on this couch, wife upstairs in the spare bedroom.  Chick on the floor behind the couch and dude a few feet away.  Asleep, on the floor.  I guess the good thing is, they didn't drive.

The next day, I walk back over to his house, across Jack Rabbit field, in search of coffee and an aspirin for my pounding head. As I walk in the door, everyone is up, already laughing *and* playing the Wii while drinking their coffee.  Fuck.  It was going to be a very long week of drinking and laughing and one hell of a good time.

When I came home to Mississippi, I had several new friends.  It seemed a little lame at the time, but the old adage ran through my mind "a friend of my brothers is a friend of mine".  These people were genuine, kind and caring friends.  The support system these Military wife's and husbands have within each other is nothing short of amazing.  When your spouse is deployed, you can count on that support system.

Two years later, and one week ago, there was another retirement ceremony.  Now, I wasn't "officially invited", but because my brother and his wife were going to be 1900 miles closer than normal, and because I hadn't seen them in two years, I figured it was as good a time as any to crash that party. 

My first night there, I was privy to "recipe".  A kick-ass frozen concoction that once you've made it through your first solo cup full, you pronounce it "RES-IH-PEEEEE".  It's probably most advisable to remain standing during consumption so you can practice your balance as you make it through the drink that you actually eat with a spoon!  I made the mistake of sitting in the very comfortable bar stool that swivels.  Damn it if I didn't have to go to the bathroom shortly after.  That was an adventure!  You know you're drunk when you look in the mirror and say: "I'm not drunk".  You're doomed.

The night was young and my brother and sister in law were NOT slowing down.  I figured I'd better get a handle on things after my 3rd Sangria so I could drive back to the hotel.  I stopped drinking all together and just people watched.  I knew the next night was going to be even crazier too.  Lord help me!

Remember in College, when we went out to the club and drank the cheapest drink so we could get drunk the fastest?  Yep, that's how this night was.  And you know, when you're wasted off your ass, you're like the best damn dancer EVAH!  There was a D.J. There were spotlights AND a strobe light.  I danced my ass off.  And other people were so drunk, they were copying me.  So, drunk they told me I was a great dancer!  I can't help but die laughing when I think back to it.  What a great time we had. 

The best part?  I'm even closer to my brother and sister-in-law's friends now and I'm counting down the days to South Carolina next year. 

I feel another retirement crash coming!

Jul 25, 2011

TMI, But You Should Feel Sorry for Me for REAL

Who the hell gets sick when they're on vacation and then on TDY?

I do, that's who!

As you may have read yesterday, I went to St. Louis to visit my brother.  So, Wednesday through Saturday night was a little mommy play time.  I had a great time, once I got there.  Sunday, I drove from St. Louis to Murfreesboro, TN for a class that will end Thursday.

So, Sunday I'm headed to Tennessee.  Now, when I drive I like to get there.  No stopping.  No eating, just drive and get to where you're going.  About 40 miles into the drive I had to stop.  I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I stopped at some rinky dink truck stop and peed, ran back to the car and got back on the Interstate and cranked up the tunes.

30 minutes later, I sneezed and peed.

What the hell? I hadn't consumed enough liquids to be peeing this much.  And it was a high probability that I was dehydrated from all the alcohol consumed the previous days.  I pulled off the interstate and drove into the Sonic.  I was a little sleepy anyway.  Nothing like a little Mocha Java Chiller to light me up!  I popped the trunk and dug through my suitcase.

Imagine the look on the dudes face when I pulled some panties and a pair of shorts out of my suitcase and headed to the restroom which, by the way, didn't lock and the door handle was about to fall off.  I don't think I've ever peed and changed so quick in my life.  Yes, I peed again.  This time in the toilet. But, what felt like was going to be another bowl full, was nothing but about a teaspoon full.  And, Holy mother of God, it burned like hell coming out!

Son of a bitch, am I getting a bladder infection?  I wouldn't know, because I've never had one before.  I ignored the signs (I was complaining the night before from a little back pain, but I honestly thought it was my drunk dancing.  You know, you feel things the next day that you didn't before because that Crown and Coke goes down smooth and makes you feel warm all over!).  So, there was back pain, a dull throb in the hooch, fire like sensation when urinating.  What?  That's not normal?  I got back in my car and headed East.  I was bound and determined to make it all the way without stopping.

I made it!  About 3 hours later I was seriously doing the potty dance at the front desk while the cute boys at the check in desk looked at me all crazy like.  I didn't bother moving my car and headed straight up the elevator to my room, in the door and BAM! 

I peed my pants again.

Fuck. What the hell am I going to do now?  My suitcase is IN THE CAR!

But, you all know I'm a genius.  I see a bag on the back of my bathroom door.  When I peek inside, what do I find?  Jackpot, A BLOW DRYER!

Yes, I did.  And when I went downstairs an hour later, I said in my sweetest Southern Drawl, "Lord, I forgot my car was right in the way y'all, I hope I didn't cause any trouble!" And I slipped out the door to move my car.

Y'all, I'm about to die here today!  I got up 6 times to pee only to drip drop in the toilet and scream from pain.  My neighbors might think there's something fun going on in here but I can assure you there is NOT!  When my alarm goes off, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for class.  I can't even get in the door good before I'm like:

Oh sorry y'all I gotta pee.

For some reason there is assigned seating in this class since we are all from different parts of the US, so this way we can get to know each other.  Whatever.  Where is my seat?  In the fucking middle of the room!  And, what am I going to say to the instructor?

Look dude, I have a bladder infection which means I have to pee every ten minutes and hefty here next to me doesn't look like she wants to be bothered to move every time I have to leave the room.  You mind if I sit in the back?

No, I sucked it up and took my seat.

20 minutes in, I exit the room.  And again 20 minutes after that.  And again 20 minutes after that.  And you get the picture.  Except it didn't seem to bother the instructor or the gal sitting in the blasted way.  It bothered ME!

I finally couldn't stand it anymore and when I was brought to tears in the bathroom for the 80th time, I called my doctor back home and begged for some meds.

Now, my pee is the color Burnt Sienna, I hate Cranberry Juice but have enough of it in my hotel refrigerator to own stock in Ocean Spray, and I'm still in pain!

You can feel sorry for me now.  I just told you that I peed my pants twice in one day for Christ's Sake!

Jul 24, 2011

Hell Yes, I'm Burning my Bridges!!

I'm holding my breath. 

Squeezing the wheel.

My knuckles are white.

I'm Looking straight ahead, careful not to move my eyes an inch. 

Wishing just this once, my peripheral vision was broken.

My heart is racing.

There are beads of sweat on my forehead.

I close my eyes.  WAIT, I'm driving, I can't do that!

My legs being to feel numb.

Tears are streaming down my face.

I think I just peed a little.

Is it over yet?  No?  How about now?  Almost done?  Can I start breathing yet?  No? Why? Hurry Up! 

Please just get over this mother fucking bridge!

I cannot be the only human on the face of this earth that has the most ridiculously unreasonable fear of traveling over bridges.  Can I?  Seriously, I sometimes try and get out of going places that require me to travel over bridges.  What?  I have to cross a river, a lake, a fucking bayou?  Hell no, I'll stay home.

Of course, if it's the beach I'm traveling to, I'll go.  I have friends.  My friends have Xanax.  Xanax is good.

Guess what?  Wednesday AND TODAY, I didn't get to take that Xanax.  I WAS THE DRIVER AND ALONE. 

I decided I was going to see my brother and his wife since they were going to be in St. Louis for the week which, is 1800 miles closer to me than usual.  I can drive 600 miles to see them sure!  When my husband map quested my route for me he failed to mention that I had to travel over a damn bridge.  Had he NOT failed to mention it, I might have stayed my ass home, Not only have I traveled over one bridge but now, it's been THREE bridges, in THREE days, ALL ALONE!!  Not cool at all. 

It all started 22 years ago.  1989. The Loma Prieta Earthquake.  As a child, bridges never bothered me.  I lived in California and the Golden Gate bridge was traveled over by me at least a hundred times.  The bay bridge.  No big deal.  Really it wasn't a problem.  But when the earthquake hit there was so much devastation.  I wasn't anywhere close to the area that had the worst damage.  In fact, I lived 3 hours away.  I mean, we still felt it all the way up in the foothills but, it wasn't until the images of the devastation started pouring in over the Television and the magazines and the newspapers.  My Biology teacher was right in the middle of it.  Thank God, he was not injured.  However, I'm still a little pissed off that he decided he was going to come to class and give us major details of the heroic work he did to free so many people from their cars. 

Their smashed cars.

From the bridges, overpasses and stacked interstates they traveled across. In their cars.

The cars they all thought they were safe in.

It was graphic, and gory and so heartbreaking and scary that I literally haven't been the same since.  Because now I know, I'm going to die in a horrific crash, while traveling over a bridge.  I'll probably still be alive, at least a little bit, and then my car will go careening over the side of a bridge.  I wont have anything sharp in the my glove box so as to bust out my window because I have a car with electric windows and once the car hits the water the electricity will no longer be so god damn awesome because we're so lazy we can't roll our damn windows down so there I'll sit. Clinging to life with major injuries, and drowning because I can't get out of my car, somebody help me!

It's best if I'm not the driver when traveling over bridges.  And if you know that we have to travel over a bridge and I'm driving but, there's a chance that I don't know we are traveling over a bridge but you forget to tell me, I will pull over once across the bridge and punch you in your taco. 

Friends, it's very safe to assume that as a passenger when traveling across bridges, if I'm looking out the window, I've taken 5 Xanax or I'm completely drunk.  If I'm neither of the two then I probably have my head between my legs doing breathing exercises!

But, if I'm the one actually *driving* over the bridge, I'll probably be taking 5 Xanax AND getting drunk very shortly after!!

Jun 15, 2011

I *am* a Runner

Seven weeks ago yesterday, I came up with the brilliant idea that I was going to start running again.

Yes, I said running. 

But you know what I mean - hell, I'd be lying if I said I ran but jogging sounds so lame to me. 

Hey Hun, I'm going out for a jog! 

Sounds lame right?  But, this sounds bad ass:

Whew, that run was wicked!

Seriously though, I'm probably the slowest runner in Mississippi.  Really, I know we're the fattest state and all but, because of my superior driving skills, I just about drive over a runner every single day.  They seem to be everywhere! 

This is why I choose to get my fat ass up at 4:30 am.  I run in the dark.  The morning dark. The night dark is still too hot and once, I tried to run at night and I literally went around the block.  One time.  And I walked 1/2 way. It's just too damn hot and I'm already drained from my day job.  So, I run in the morning dark.  Mostly because I'm refreshed from sleeping and I have more energy.  But, also because all things (like 97% humidity and the fact that it's already 75 degrees at 4:30 am) considered, it really is cooler.  However, I originally started my running journey in the morning because of the fucking asshole runners that seem to be everywhere in my neighborhood and all along every single road my pretty little Altima travels over.  They're EVERYWHERE! Truth is, I don't want them to be jealous of my stealth running skills.  Ha, NOT!  I would hate to be lapped in my own neighborhood.  So, I choose the very early morning for my run.

The first few days I was running the hood solo.  All alone. Nothing but my thoughts and very heavy breathing to keep me company.  Sorry guys, the heavy breathing is the gross kind, not the sexy kind.  Anyway, a few of the mornings I would see a nice older lady taking what seemed to be a leisurely walk.  At 5 am. I threw my hand up and panted a "morning" to her as we passed each other.  A few times, I even saw her *jogging*.  I unconsciously picked up my pace when I saw her up ahead.  And yes, I even looked over my shoulder to make sure she was out of site so I could slow down again. 

It freaked me the hell out last Friday when I saw her.  The bitch was running.  RUNNING.  Not jogging like fatty here.  Running.  At first I was impressed.  I thought 'good for her', she's picking up her pace.

Who am I kidding?  I was pissed.

Today, I'm not so impressed.  In fact, I'm still a little pissed.  See, each morning we'd meet at a certain point, me going one way and she going the other and we passed every morning at the same spot. Without fail, I'd beat her on our second lap around.  You know, three or four driveways ahead of our first passing point.  Today, even though I ran about three quarters of a mile farther than usual, I looped around the same streets on the way back.  I was going one way and she was going the other.  When I got back around to the other side she was headed straight out of the neighborhood!!! 


I'm going to bed now so I can get plenty of rest.  I'll be sprinting tomorrow.

Please call me, text me or email me sometime during the day and check on me.  I feel sure I'll kill myself out there.  I'll probably fall on my face.  Skin my knees up or break a leg, but I'll be damned if the *JOGGER* is going to show me up!

May 18, 2011

Where did time go?

It just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Literally, out of nowhere.

There's a huge weight on my heart and I can't breathe.

Just yesterday he had his arms stretched up in the air begging for me to "up, up momma!"

It seems like not long ago he was learning to ride a bike.

I remember when his baby brother was born, he was such a huge helper.  He used to love to feed him.  Now, he is so happy his brother is self sufficient...he's too cool to take care of his little brother.

He's sweet and shy.  He's so loving and caring.  He'd give you his last piece of chocolate if you asked him to. He's tough on the outside, but so soft and brittle on the inside. He's smart and funny and loves to read.  He enjoys video games and throwing the football with his buddies. 

He's been through hard times and yet, he's still so strong.

He has such a fan base in his family - so much love.

Tomorrow he will end his days as a grade schooler and enter Middle School. 

There's just no way he's old enough.  Is he ready? 

Am I?

Mar 30, 2011

Here's my Disclaimer: Read My Blog Your Own Risk

This is supposed to be a SHORT CLEAN blog. 

I doubt it will end up that way.

I've been busy for the past few weeks.  Busy reviewing products. Busy packing for vacation and then resting from vacation. I've even been busy at work.  I know, weird right?  I mean, give me a break boss.  I come to work to rest from being a mom and a wife for crying out loud. I'm so busy that I'm too busy to be busy!

I digress.

One of the major things that I can't stop thinking about here lately is that I'm kind of OUT THERE. Aren't I?  Like, I know I'm out there, like *crazy* out there.  But, the way I'm talking about is that I say quite a bit of stuff that some people may think I should take a little more lightly or perhaps not be so open about.  Maybe I shouldn't tell everyone that I'm a raging bitch and I don't know how my husband puts up with me?  Maybe I shouldn't tell you how I feel about gay and lesbian marriage or even share that I have homosexuals in my family. Perhaps people find it offensive that I talk about my sex life on the Internet.  And maybe, just maybe I should stop using such foul language. 

That's just not who I am y'all!  I'm not going to shake your hand after meeting you for the first time and say "How the fuck are ya!" And, there are a few words that I just refuse to say one of them starts with a C.  Funny, I have a friend that says:  "She's nothing but a that word I don't say"....Anyway.

Something that I often have to think twice about is *WHO* is following/reading me on Facebook, on my Blog, on TWITTER, basically the Internet as a whole.  When I say I'm out there, I mean you could probably google me and find something very offensive and my name is behind it.  Just last night while I was talking to my mom on the phone she mentioned something about my dad finding a picture of someone on *my* Facebook page. 

WTF, dad looks at my Facebook page?  How, does he have a Facebook account?

I don't think so, he just has ways....

Believe me y'all, he really does have ways.  He's a retired Attorney so he knows how to snoop.  Where do you think I learned it from?

Then thoughts went racing into my head like my mother and father-in-law reading my blog or my facebook page or my blog or finding my tweets.  What if they read them? 

For a minute those thoughts really worried me. But, so what if my dad looks at my Facebook page? So what if my father-in-law reads my blog? They are only finding out that in today's society we are a lot more open than they used to be.  I'm 99.9% sure they have done everything we are doing now.  They just didn't have the tools we do these days to brag about it and tell the entire world.  Back then that would have been a lot of letter writing! I am who I am and I speak my mind and if I want you to know something about my life or someone else's, I'm going to tell you especially if it's a juicy story. 

UNLESS it hurts your feelings. If it hurts you in any way, OF COURSE I'll apologize for it and I might just do it publicly and even remove it from my world of publicness.  Because my peeps, you have got to understand that by no means, in no way, not ever will I do something with the pure INTENT on hurting you or anyone, especially if I love you.  Hell, if I've even spoke to you I probably already love you so that's a great huge area of peeps!  But, I really do have a heart and I'm not stupid either.

There is ONE person that I don't ever want to hurt (other than my children) and that is my husband.  He has been my everything.  He is a rock that I can depend on no matter what situation I get myself into.  He's that guy who has a solution to everything.  He also is one of two people in my life that I know doesn't ever let anything bother him.  Both he and my father have this ability to let things roll off their backs like water rolls off the back of a duck.  He just finds a way around the giant boulder in the road and keeps moving right along.  With that being said, there are people in his life that could be affected by what I say and do.  I don't want to hurt those people either. 

So, this is kind of like my public apology to anyone I've ever wronged or offended.  I'm sorry y'all.  I really am.  If you are one that I was just speaking to you need remember that you clicked on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or whatever it is you're reading, so you can easily remove yourself from my social media places of reading enjoyment - just don't read it. 

I can be your secret guilty pleasure. Go on, keep reading and laugh out loud.  You know you want to.

See you when you stop by tomorrow!

Mar 9, 2011

Day Six: You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours

Touch me so I don't have a heart attack.

What are you talking about?

If you touch me, it will make my blood pressure go down and I'll be all happy.

Yeah, right.

Today's exercise is all about touch.  I feel like we've been down this road before but, I swear I'm reading day six.  And, honestly I can't count on one hand how many days *didn't* go by that we never touch at all.  Aside from the quick peck on the cheek and a high five or two every now and then.  So, I want to take this seriously to see if our attitudes will lighten up a bit.

The other day, I made him hug me while I counted to thirty. Today, I made him hold my hand in the grocery store.  Not the whole time because damn it if his hands didn't start to get all clammy.  Nothing worse than clammy hands for real!  When we put the groceries in the car I was waiting for him in the passenger seat and I leaned over to kiss him.  He was a little weirded out.

Babe, someone is going to see us!

I know, and heaven forbid if someone sees a man and a wife showing a *little* affection for each other!


And he leaned in again for the rest of my kiss.  I really did try to hold his hand on the way home but seriously, I think the man has diabetes because his hands were all sweaty again. 

All the time he's smacking my ass as I walk through the kitchen.  Or like, as soon as I get done filing some paperwork in the bathroom, he thinks it's totally funny to try and jiggle the fat parts of my ass.  Doesn't he know that some things take time to get back to normal?  I mean for real...leave me alone until I can recuperate!

So, for our evening exercise I wanted to give him a full body massage.  I wanted to be nice to him, like he is to me when I whine for 40 hours that my back hurts and will you please rub my shoulders and lower back and tickle my arms and play with my hair?  He has a totally sensitive body and it's from one extreme to the other.  Either I'm to soft and it tickles him to death, or I'm being much too rough for his sissy pants.  I swear I think I massaged him for an hour and he was so relaxed, he didn't even take his contact lenses out before falling asleep!  I snuggled in next to him and probably slept better than I have in weeks!

Remember to check out COUPLES PLACE on Facebook for your own guide!

I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Day Five: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

So, it's day five - really it feels like day 75 because I'm swamped at work and I'm getting ready for a cruise but you know for reality sakes, it's day five and that means this activity took place exactly one week ago today. 

BTW, packing for a 7 day cruise for 4 people sucks balls.

The last week has really been tremendous though.  And although we are physically done with the KY Intimacy Experiment the reconnection that has happened between my husband and I is amazing.  I find it weird that we are actually still coming up with new things to discuss and games to play.

So, day five is all about connecting outside the bedroom with some type of fun activity.  I would have preferred it to be something that neither of us have tried but yet again, it's the middle of the week and I can't just take my kids to the park and accidentally forget them.  Nor do I feel like asking my parents if they can keep them overnight so hubby and I can play games.  I just can't imagine telling my father exactly what kind of games we will be playing.  No dad, they can't play the games with us....... I will just completely avoid that conversation all together.  Thank you very much.

I broke out the Wii controllers and we had a little Wii Sports fun together.  I can't tell you how much we cracked up.  I highly suggest video taping yourself while playing Wii Pro Bowler - it's down right funny I tell you.  My husband is, or rather, *was* a fantastic bowler prior to our meeting.  He was on a league and won many trophies that are now sitting in our attic collecting dust.  Since he doesn't play cards or board games (not even with the kids) because "he's not good at them and doesn't really understand *how* to play, I let him choose his game of choice on the Wii.  Honestly, I think he doesn't like loosing and that is why he doesn't play games with us.  So, what does he choose?  Bowling.  Why not, he's a pro right? 


I kicked his ARSE in Wii Pro Bowler.  And, since we had to make a friendly competition out of this for our evening activity (which ensued immediately after his tough loss because, hello - I was the winner) I was loving it even more and he was not a happy camper.  We each had 10 index cards and got to write an activity of our choice on them.  Shuffled them up and placed them in separate piles.  I win, he chooses from my stack.  He wins, I chose from his stack.

I on 8 games out of 10.  That meant that I had to allow him to indulge in only two of his activities he requested.  One of the cards that I chose from his pile said: "No complaining (saying no) when I want to touch you".  DUH!  We're doing an experiment and why the hell would I complain?  The other card I drew, I can't tell you what it had on it.  However, it wasn't anything close to the genius I wrote on my cards.

Draw me a bath and be creative as you make it romantic

Play with my hair

Tickle my back

Sing to me in your best voice and be serious, no laughing

Now, before he pulled the fifth card he acting like a big cry baby and said I wasn't fair in what I wrote down....he said none of them were intimacy related and involved getting in the bed with me!  I was dying laughing at this point and just urged him to read on.  I mean, how can he tell me what I would enjoy that would lead to a fantastic evening together?  He can't.  The next cards were:

Blah, blah, blah, la la la, something, something, something - it's just too much for this here blog.

He turned red after reading it.  SCORE!

Make a list of 5 things you honestly love about me and then whisper them in my ear laying naked against me

Wash my hair in the tub (that would have only worked in my favor had he drawn that top card - had he not drawn it, he'd have thrown a cup of water on my head and squeezed the shampoo bottle over it).

And here's the BEST one that I'm so glad he drew - it meant that he could enjoy it too:

Allow me to touch you all over your body and you can't rush me or say one word!

I have to say that this by far was the BEST day and night activity and I can't wait until tomorrow.  If you want more information visit the K-Y Intimacy Experiment tab on Couples Place.

 “I wrote this fun posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Mar 3, 2011

Day Four: Birthday Suit

The last time I got completely naked with the lights on, I was trying to make my husband laugh at me, not trying to get him to take me serious.

The only other time he saw me naked I was asking him over and over again if my legs were sticking up in the air.  Because it feels like my legs are sticking straight up in the air.  Are they sticking up in the air Jason?

No Genny, they're strapped down!

I was on the table in the OR having my son cut out of my belly.  And even then he couldn't look!

Nudity is just something I'm not comfortable with. 

Even when I was fairly decent looking in a bathing suit, I never wanted to go around nude.  Now hubs on the other hand is a different story.  I mean, he's never really walked around nude but if he could get away with wearing his boxer briefs around the house all day every day, he'd do it.

The instructions for day four of my 10 day marriage re-vamp: Wear your Birthday Suit.

Because I can't ship my kiddos off in the middle of the week and I will not allow a furlough during our KY reconnection, we modified the Birthday Suit.  And even though it wasn't pretty, I wore a cute little spaghettistrapsilknightie that barely covered my ass.  I just can't walk around with my middle showing. For a while I had to wear panties - just until the kids went to bed.  Then I made hubs promise to lay a towel on the love seat in case I laughed too hard and peed.

What?  Two babies does that shit to you!

So, hubs walked around in almost naked but until the kids went to bed he put a pair of sweat shorts on. I'm used to him like that, but me, looking the way I did?  He was rushing time and trying to make the boys go to bed at 7 p.m.!!  Not because I was looking hot.  More because I wasn't constantly complaining about my fat arms or the orange peel effect which was more prevalent on my right leg than my left.  I held my head up high and smiled.  I said positive things and because I was convincing myself that I was the pretty girl he married, I actually *felt* like a pretty girl. 

Since we've been focusing on getting intimate, we had a lot of DVR'd shows to watch.  Once the kids were asleep and I was SURE my bladder was empty, we took our places right next to each other. It was nice cuddling on the loveseat skin to skin while we watched our shows.  Occasionally, I had to cover up with a blanket when I freaked out because I thought I heard a kid wandering around.  But, for the most part once we both let our guard down, it was nice finally feeling secure in the skin we married each other in.

For more info on the K-Y Intimacy Experiment, check out the KY-Couples Place.

“I wrote this posting while participating in a fun blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. While I have been compensated for my time my opinions are my own and I have to been paid to publish positive commentary."

Day Three: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk past you again?

First let me apologize for being tardy to the party.  I hate that song.  Anyway, I haven't written in the last two days because of a traumatic situation that my son put me through but that's a whole different blog.  I promise to tell you about it after these blissful 10 days of Marriage/Lovers Rehab.

Also, having to have a full time job sucks because y'all, I've never been so busy in my life!  I guess someone thinks I'm responsible or something.  I'm going to have to do something about that right away.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ring, ring.

Picks up phone: This is Heather (I had a total attitude because the operator told me it was my Ex-husband Jason on the phone).

Man on line: Hi Heather, this is Jason.  Your friend Sasha gave me your number.

Heather: Oh!!  Whew!  Forgive me for the tone - the operator told me it was my ex-husband.  Funny, Sasha didn't tell me your name was Jason!

Man: Um, is your ex-husbands name Jason?

Heather:  Hmmm?  I'm sorry, what?

Man:  Oh, name, it' name is Jason and I just wanted to call and say hello.  Sasha has told me quite a bit about you.  I thought maybe we could meet sometime.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fast forward three weeks and FINALLY on a Friday night we met.  We talked on the phone every afternoon, at practically the same time every single day.  I laughed so much, I swear I hadn't ever laughed that much in my life.  He was funny and sweet and very charming.  You know, as charming as you can be over the telephone. That Friday, he called at work (I was too chicken to give him my home phone number because I am also WAY too cheap to have it unlisted.  Dude, he could Google me.) and we decided that we'd meet at the club.  We set a time and hung up.  For some reason I was totally nervous.  I went to my friend Sasha, who by the way is my hair stylist AND knows Jason because her salon is inside a tanning salon where he tans.  She convinced me that I needed to flat iron my hair.  So, I let her and I haven't turned back. You know, because that's how Jason knows me. With flat hair. I headed home and changed and decided I was going to beat him to the club, get at least one drink in me to relax and then play it from there. 

Last night, we reenacted our first ever face to face conversation when I met my charming husband 8 years ago.  It goes *something* like this:

As I walk through the door, my nerves have got the best of me and I can hardly smile.  I so bad want him to look good.  But, that's not what matters, right?  Tell me I'm right, God....tell me I'm right.  I keep convincing myself that looks do not matter. I'm really not that shallow and since we've met over the phone and talked to each other for three weeks now, I should be OK if he's not the cutest thing since Luke Perry. 

I promise I didn't call anyone to meet me there "just in case" but, I spotted a girlfriend and her guy friend and I made a bee-line for them.  I didn't tell them that I was meeting anyone special, just a "friend".  I quickly made it through my first Captain Morgans and Dr. Pepper and ordered my second.  I barely put my hand around the glass and the bartender told me that it was paid for.

I'm sorry, what?

Your drink, that one's paid for.  The guy over there in the Old Navy t-shirt?  He paid for it.

Holy mother of Jesus, how am I going to explain it to Jason that someone else is buying me drinks?  Think, think fast.  I need to go tell him thank you but what if he gets the wrong impression?  I'll just be honest with him and tell him I'm meeting a blind date. 

I walked to him and held out my hand for a handshake - "Heather, nice to meet you!  Thank you for the drink. 

Oh, you're welcome.  I couldn't pass up your pretty face.

That's awfully sweet of you.  I need to be honest with you though.  I'm meeting a blind date in about 30 minutes.  So, I don't want to lead you in the wrong direction.

So you're single?

Yes, have been for over a year now.  I guess I'm ready.  Who knows?

Well, I'll be here for a while.  If your blind date doesn't work out.  Come find me.  Good Luck.

Thank you very much.

I headed out back to the deck for fresh air.  The time was closing in on me and my insides were in a big knot.  A few more friends stopped by to chat and time passed quickly.

Oh no, here comes Old Navy.  God, if this thing doesn't work out with Jason, I'll get major hottie's Old Navy number!  As he was walking toward me I noticed that his eyes didn't divert from mine the entire time.  When he stopped in front of me he said:

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I gotta walk by you again?

I was speechless, and completely confused.  When I didn't say anything back and could only crack a smile, he held out his hand and said:

I'm Jason, are you Heather?

My heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn't stop laughing.  I was *so* glad that "Old Navy" turned out to be the man I had been talking to on the phone for the last three weeks.  And all of the sudden, a thousand thoughts came rushing to my mind.

He got to the club early like me, was he planning on skipping out if pretty girl didn't walk through the door? OMG, he'd been watching me the entire time. My friends that were here already had been talking to him also, did they know we were meeting? Did HE call them? Crap, crap, crap!  What do I do, what do I say? I'm freaking out!

I was just myself.  I stood up and hugged him and he wrapped his arms around me (yes, high school dance style - but I was much skinnier then) and planted the most tender, juicy, very, very long kiss on my lips.  And I kissed him back.  I had been so ready to kiss those Old Navy lips anyway, so I didn't even think twice about it.

As the night wore on, we danced.  Chatted in the cool night air some more and had the most amazing first date ever.  He drove me home that night, and walked me to my door.  I asked him if he'd like to come in and he politely declined.  The next day, he cooked me dinner at his house and for the next 3 years we had never ever spent the night apart.

8 years and a 2nd son later, we honestly love each other more every single year.  But, with kids it's so easy to get in a rut and forget about what it is that you love about your spouse.  What makes your insides go wild about them?  How they look at you?  You forget the silly things that used to make you laugh but now make you cringe.  I forgot about the way he walked to me that night and two nights ago when we replayed it, I found out that he has never changed the way he walks to me with intent and loving, sometimes very passionate eyes. 

We shared our journals as suggested by the KY Intimacy Experiment  and I was surprised to learn that he *loves* the way I seem so unknowing.  Because it means he can "show me the ropes", take me under his wing, if you will.  That right there melted me.  I was so excited to share mine.  We mesh so well because I mostly wrote how I love that he takes care of every situation, no matter what.  And, that he's the mean guy.  You know, the bad cop to the kids when they get in trouble.  I don't have to do it because he's got my back!

I freaked out a little bit that he called me Heather and then I remembered that we were "playing".  I was a little bummed that he didn't want to change his name but he did change his occupation and where he was from. 

Now, I'm married to Jason who is a multi-million dollar entrepreneur in Landscape Franchises all around the world.  He's basically a Horticulturist and the best part.  He's from Hawaii and loves girls from California.

In my wildest dreams.

Don't forget to go to COUPLES PLACE™ and download your PDF for your own Intimacy Experiment.

“I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Feb 28, 2011

Day Two: Hugging While Building up Positive Feelings

My husband thinks that just because I want a hug, we need to rush to the bedroom and lock the door.  When I tell him to just hug me he doesn't understand that I just want to feel close to him. He also disagrees with my theory that the children need to see us connecting. 


When he read the exercise for Day Two of our K-Y® Brand Intimacy Experiment he was PISSED!  I mean, I know that he's not a very touchy feely person and all but seriously, one day of hugging (for longer than 2 seconds Jason) isn't going to kill him.  AND, there ain't no such thing as a sideways hug.  You know, the kind where you kind of lean in sideways with one arm?  That, my sweet husband, will not cut it!

It says here that we should hug for 30 seconds!  Do you know how long 30 seconds is Genny?

No, I really don't.  Let's give it a, I'll set the time on the microwave and we'll hug for 30 seconds.  Ready, Go!

I thought he was going to explode with anxiety.  He kept rocking back and forth from one foot to the other and I felt him holding his breath.  When the timer went off he couldn't release his arms quick enough.  And really, you should know him.  He's hilarious and I'd say 99% of his stubbornness is really him joking around.  So, rather than me being upset or have my feelings hurt by this, I decided I'd play a little mind game with him.

So, did that *ONE* hug make you feel any closer to me? felt the same as usual except this time you didn't slap my hands away when they wrapped around your waist.

That's because I'm trying to focus on the hug and how it makes me feel, even if you are touching me in every fat place on my body!  You say you don't notice but I feel like you're doing it on purpose to make me feel self conscience.  Why can't you just put your arms over my shoulders anyway?

What, like a high school dance hold?

Yes, but close to each other. Touching.  Pretend like this time there are no Teachers or Principals measuring distance between our torsos.

So, we tried it again.  I set the timer for 30 seconds and we embraced.  I felt all magical and totally gaga over him holding me tight.  This time he didn't fidget immediately, but towards the end I could feel him getting restless.

So, did you like the hug?'s just a hug Gen.

Oh, darn it.  I was hoping it made you feel the way I do right now. 

How's that?

All warm and tingly inside. Like I could rip your clothes off behind a locked door.  But, you know, since you don't feel that way I guess we'll just have to try again in a little while.

LOL!  He was a little ticked.  He kept trying to hug me all day.  And, every once in a while I'd let him.  But, I wanted to see if he read the entire Exercise for the day *and* night. 

It all goes back to the saying that intimacy is not just about sex or what happens in the bedroom.  I think a hug is a positive thing to do during the day.  It beats the hell out of fighting that's for sure.  So why not give your partner a hug the next time you feel like cussing him/her out?  Honestly, the more positive things that happen in my day with my husband, the less I feel like choking him when he's smacking his food!  It's weird how that works. The more hugs I receive from him and give back to him, the less I tend to focus on his annoying habits and the less he fusses about my addiction to technology. 

When you spend your days remembering how it makes you feel when he or she is gazing into your eyes without diverting their attention, it makes you feel like that's exactly where you belong.  Hold on to those feelings and store them in your soul so you'll never forget how your partners eyes sparkle when they're looking into yours.  Save the way he or she made you feel when they embraced you.  To quote Brittany who amazingly came up with it's like "building up the savings in our positive love bank account".  I'd have to agree!  It forces you to look into that account and withdraw some of the feelings.

With the day almost to a close, and all that hugging and gazing into each others eyes we were both in terrific moods and it *truly* made our private time that much more amazing. 

You too can participate in this 10 day Intimacy extravaganza, aka, K-Y® Brand Intimacy Experiment FREE of charge on Facebook.  Visit COUPLES PLACE™ Presented by K-Y® Brand to download the PDF file!

“I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Feb 27, 2011

Day One: Change of Routine

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Every single day, this is what my home life has become.  Except it goes something like this:

Work. Cook. Sleep. Repeat.  Day in and day out.  It's a simple routine that sometimes gets a little boring.  But, I've gotten so used to this routine, that when my husband tries to take a different route, I get really irritable.  I don't like to sway from normalcy much.

But I have to do something because he doesn't look at me the way he used to.  He doesn't even joke with me anymore.  He says it's because I'm not fun anymore and I don't laugh at him.  I can't take a joke the way I used to. 

That is not what I wanted to hear.  Especially since I'm a little insecure already.  I mean, what if some skinny broad comes along and sweeps him off his feet?  What if there were someone paying much more attention to him than I?  We literally talk for about 10 minutes before we fall asleep.  And don't even think about trying to touch me in the bed when I'm trying to sleep.  I need my beauty sleep!

But, that's all about to change, thank you The K-Y® Brand Intimacy Experiment. I realize that I need to give him more attention because he really could go out and get it from someone else and I think it's my job to prevent that from happening. 

They've provided me with an amazing prize package along with a 10 day relationship guide created by real doctors that will guide us through experiments meant to strengthen and improve our relationship and intimacy.

10 days of listening to his inner most thoughts and doing things we *both* want to do without having to take off work to go to therapy.  Not to mention, this shit is FREE!  That's all I had to say to my husband and he was on board.  He made me promise not to take pictures of him naked though. Chicken.

So, Day One: The Bedroom

We were to step into the doorway of our room and decide if it was really somewhere we could take full advantage of hot steamy love making.  You know, like hotel sex?  No distractions, nothing to look at except a fluffy bed with crisp white sheets and no laundry baskets piled up at the end of the bed.  When Hubs and I did this, we fell out laughing because it was exactly that ~ Laundry basket and the newspaper spread out all over the bed.  Dr. Pepper cans on the computer table and my oh-so-sexy CPAP mask hanging on the bedpost.  Our bedroom is a catch all for everything family related.  There is nothing inviting about my room except for the color and the fact that there are like a million pillows.  We all hang out in our room for some reason.  Even the boys lay across the bed to do their homework in our room!  See:

So together we cleaned up our room and told the boys that no longer would they be hanging out in our room.  We'd help them with their homework at the table and then they could watch TV in their own rooms.  I mean, they both have a television in their rooms so why not?

It was fun doing the project together and I knew that my husbands motivation was the awesome box of lube and fun stuff we received from the KY Brand Intimacy Experiment.  I'd be kidding if I said I weren't a little bit excited to see what this stuff was all about.  I see the commercials and think: "yea right, fireworks my ass"  So, I'm looking forward to it!  Our Love Nest came out looking like this:

And, like the Title of my blog says:  OMG!!! (leave out the Whatever) I love this stuff!

“I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Feb 24, 2011

I Can Get Naked Too

I know it's still winter and all but dude, lately it's been like 80 degrees in the Deep South! 

I don't know if you know this but, when you are "big boned" like me, the thermostat might as well be reading 120 degrees.  For real.  Plus, this big girl has a TON of hair that I'm unwilling to part with.  The mornings around here are not pretty.  My bedroom fan is on full blast and I have to dry my hair in 10 minute increments.  And, every single morning when I'm done drying and flat ironing my hair, I stick my face in the freezer for a few minutes to cool down before I put my make-up on.  I do that every. single. morning.

So, last night I went for a run, I mean a jog. Hell I walked OK?  And, I'd be lying to you if I said I walked fast because I didn't.  Anyway, when I got back in the house it felt like a flipping sauna in here.  I clicked the on the air conditioner because HELLO, the weatherman said the high today was 80.  As soon as Hubs heard the unit kick on he came running down the hall freaking out and clicked it right back off.

Why are you turning the *air* on?

Because, I just walked three miles and it's hot in this house.  It got up to 80 degrees today and I need to cool the house down!

But, I'm freezing and you're just hot because you just got done exercising!

Jason, put some damn clothes on and you wouldn't be freezing!

Why do I have to remind my husband who is six years older than I am that if you lay around the house in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts you're *gonna* get cold?  It's like talking to a kid I'm telling you! 

I finished washing the dinner dishes and started the boys shower and baths for the night.  After they were occupied I went to my bedroom and took off all of my clothes except my panties.  Hubs was sitting on the couch watching Sportscenter and I non chalantly walked into the room with the broom and started sweeping.

Now look, there was NOTHING pretty about the sight that he saw.  Remember, undies only and the girls were certainly not cooperating as they insisted on resting on my hips.  It was so hard for me to keep a straight face and honestly, I don't know how I did it.  Hubs jumped up from the couch and screamed:


I simply said, if you're going to be pissed about me turning the air conditioner on at the same time you walk around here almost naked, then I'm going to walk around here almost naked so I can try and be "freezing" like you!

He stomped down the hall like a 6 year old who didn't get his way, towards our bedroom, clicked the air conditioner back on and returned to the living room fully clothed.  Well, he put a t-shirt and some socks on.  He was still complaining about being cold so I covered him in a blanket!

I cannot help it that his metabolism works a hell of a lot better than mine.

Feb 21, 2011

25 Things you Might not Know About Moi

1. I can listen to music all day long and not ever do anything else.

2. Of all of my car accidents 6 of them were my fault.  I still insist on driving.

3. My siblings and I are essentially The Brady Bunch - except we never had Alice.

4. Even if there's a chance I may hurt your feelings I still will never lie to you.

5. I was named after a movie star who won a Golden Globe for her performance. I do not look anything like her.

6. I will always be on-time.

7. My biggest pet peeve is when you eat with your mouth open or give me any inclination (by way of sound) that you have something in your mouth.

8. My mom and dad are my heros and two of my best friends.

9. When I'm at a party or social gathering where there is alcohol and I am consuming said alcohol (I can't say bar because it's been almost a decade since I've been in such an establishment), I take myself to the bathroom to look in the mirror to see if I "look" drunk.  I talk to myself to see if I "sound" drunk and then I poke myself and flick my teeth to see if I "feel" drunk.  At that point, I pretty much know - I'm drunk.

10. I have a crush on Drew Brees. OK - you probably already knew that.

11. I am a giant sucker for romance.

12. I'm slightly deaf.

12. I love to help people with whatever they need. If I don't know how to do something I will not quit until I have helped them.

13. I can sleep all day long if you let me.

14. I love reality TV

15. Caffeine is my drug of choice. Particularly Diet Pepsi Coke (sorry Matt, I tried.  Even the computer gods wouldn't let me do it).

16. My idea of fun is anything that makes me laugh. Preferrably hysterically.

17. I love to hug.

18. I do not embarrass easily.

19. I am totally afraid of the dark. Like, deathly haveananxietyattack AFRAID.

20. I worry my husband will leave me when the boys go to college.  I have 10 years to:
      A. Get a Sugar Daddy
      B. Start enjoying sex

21. I never wear makeup on the weekends.  I wash my face immediately when I get home from work.

22. My favorite thing to do is hide around the corner and scare the crap out of people.

23. I laugh like the fat guy in the back seat.

24. I was not very popular in high school. With the girls anyway.

25. I dream I could own my own Hair and Makeup Studio - with me as the top stylist.

Now, tell me something I don't know about you!

Feb 17, 2011

What's for Dinner?

Sometimes I get in a rut and prepare the same things over and over for supper.  My family is not picky so they just go with it.  Plus, they don't cook so they can't demand I change things up.

But, lately I've been so bored making the same things.  I even reached out to my friends for new recipes.  That wasn't very successful.  They don't like sharing.

I've been asking around today what people are making for supper to maybe get some ideas.  Chicken Alfredo, Deer Meat Enchiladas, Spaghetti, and Roast Chicken are some of the meals being prepared around town.  Oooh, a Rotisserie Chicken sounds good and that's easy - you just pick those up at the store!  Then I text my friend to ask her what she was making for supper and totally spit my coffee on my keyboard when I read her reply:

Roger is picking up a Rotisserie Chicken and I am making homemade mac and cheese and corn on the cob.  But, UGH - I HATE making two things of the same color - but since Megan begged me, I'll do it!

Wait.  WHAT?  You don't make two side items if they are the same color? 

Who the hell thinks that much? 

Seriously, Corn and Mac and Cheese are of the yellowish color, right?  But if you get technical about it, Mac and Cheese is ORANGE and Corn is YELLOW and they are in fact NOT the same color!  Maybe she should just put the chicken in the middle of the plate and separate the side dishes on either side?  Some people are totally weird and I guess everyone has their own OCD issues.

That got me thinking about Brittany's Buffalo Chicken Pizza - (because I use Rotisserie Chicken) it's totally delicious and super duper easy, plus my kids eat it up so I don't have to make anything different for them.  Because no matter how much I try the "if you don't eat that you'll go to bed without supper" thing, it never works.  I always wake them up around 10 pm to tell them I'm sorry for making them starve and please don't think I'm a terrible mother so here's an ice cream Sunday with extra chocolate sauce to show you how much I really do love you.  I've learned my lesson and so they will eat a nutritious meal along with mom and dad, I usually have chicken nuggets or something semi-healthy for them.  But tonight - I only have to cook one meal. After I clean my keyboard up!

What are you having for dinner tonight?

Feb 16, 2011

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

It's time for me to announce the winner of my 5 Things giveaway!
If your name is Taunia - Yay you!  You win My 5 Things because hello?  You never leave home without your attitude!  Plus, I'm jealous that I can't play words with friends on my jank phone!
Taunia send me your mailing address by inbox on Facebook!
Taunia said...

I'll give this a go:

#1: My cell phone because the bastards down in the corporate IT department won't let me FB from my work computer! (Screw them, I tether my phone to my computer, shut their crap off, and FB anyway!) Ha! Not to mention I left it at home one day and it was like having a mini-crisis. I live 2 minutes from close, but SOOOO far away!

#2: L.I.P.G.L.O.S.S. I think I once posted a pic on FB of the top drawer in my desk. There were about 5 of them. That doesn't include what's in my purse, car, bathroom... I'm a whore. A lipgloss whore. (At least it's not the worst kind of whore, right?)

#3 Lotion. I use it all the freaking time. I have a bottle at my desk, travel size in my purse, in my bathroom, bedroom, car. OK, maybe I'm a lotion whore too. Whatever. I'm a woman who likes soft, pretty skin. Get over it.

#4 Mascara. My eyes are like the only semi-pretty thing about me and they look like death warmed over until I put on the black magic! They are suddenly transformed into flirtatious butterflies, fluttering for attention. I use two kinds, but I'm counting it as one.

#5 I won't say debit card since I think I can make purchases with my phone now. My 5th has recently become my iPod touch. I want the best of all the worlds so my cell is a Droid and I carry an iPod touch to get all the features of an iPhone too. :) I'm now addicted to Words With Friends (Username: SpeclT if you play!) and have 7 active games.

...and if one of those could be something you can't touch, well, I would have to pick my attitude! That never leaves home without me!

It's my turn

My household has been sick for what seems like an eternity and just one week ago today we were bracing for more ice and snow.  Isn't it weird that it will be 74 degrees today?  No wonder we are all sick.  WAIT - I didn't mean *we* because I haven't gotten sick yet and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't.  But if I do I'm going to milk it so hard after what I've been through!

My husband has not EVER been sick since we've been together.  It sounds funny I know.  But, honestly with the exception of a minor sore throat or a little diarrhea, he honestly has not been sick.  I've never even seen him throw up! I say it's because he's got MAJOR OCD about germs.  He doesn't even put his toothbrush in the same toothbrush holder where my toothbrush is for fear that a germ may jump from mine to his. Plus, we all have to have different shelves in the refrigerator to house our opened soda cans or water bottles that we haven't finished because he doesn't want to accidentally put his mouth where someone else's has been!

But alas, he's succumbed to flu and now he's sick.  And, I mean *really* sick.  He has been in the bed for four days coughing, moaning, groaning and blowing his nose.  I have brought him his breakfast, lunch and dinner to our bed for four days.  I have washed every towel once it hits the bathroom floor for four days.  I've done the dishes two times a day for four days.  I've taken the garbage out twice a day for four days.  I've rubbed his back for four days.

I'm fucking exhausted!

I cried the first night into it because I knew it was going to be hell on me.  Also, I was a little scared.  I mean, I've never seen him look the way he did.  He was shaking all over the place.  Drooling and babbling words that were totally incomprehensible. He was all pale and had no strength whatsoever.  I even had to get him in and out of the tub. For. Four. Days.

It's not my fault that he spoils me OR, that he has OCD so bad that he has to at least do two loads of laundry per day and put the dishes in the dishwasher the minute they hit the sink.  This kind of stuff really bothers him to the core of his being.  I thought he would totally ignore it and not worry about it so much being that he looked like shit and probably felt a lot worse than he looked.  At first, I was all gung-ho about covering his duties.  But dude, yesterday I was all:

"listen, the dishes aren't going anywhere and we have seventy thousand towels so there's no need to really wash all that often, right?  Would you mind if I just took a break from all this work and maybe cleaned up say, tomorrow?"

I thought he was going to have a massive coronary.  I could see in his eyes that he was trying to find out some way to muster up the strength to do it himself.  He was in the center of an anxiety attack when he whispered "pleeeeeeaase".

FINE DAMN IT!!  I'll do laundry!

So, with a loving smile on my face and not one SINGLE complaint I have kept up the household.  Laundry, dishes, cooking, homework, baths, games with the boys, cleaning, mopping, sweeping, ironing - and let me tell you what, I don't iron.  If I can put it in the dryer with a damp bath cloth and it comes out less wrinkled than it was when I threw it in there - that's good enough for me.  But I sucked it up and did it for him.  He even irons our boys jeans and t-shirts.  They're in grade school for God's sake!!!  I ironed 7 shirts and 4 pairs of pants for him (not 7 because he only has 4 that he likes so you can guess what he does - HE WASHES THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER).  I ironed 5 shirts for Birdie and 5 shirts for Weezer (my boys).  Then I ironed 10 pairs of jeans for them.  I was so proud of myself and really felt great that I was able to step up and help hubby out.  And guess what?  I didn't iron a SINGLE thing for myself.  Today when I was ready to get dressed I threw my clothes in the dryer with a damp cloth and a dryer sheet because, that's how I roll!

Today, Hubs went back to work.  Would it be really evil if I went home sick today and laid in the bed for four days just to watch him wait on me hand and foot?

Feb 9, 2011

5 Things and a Giveaway

Five things I don't ever leave the house without.

Only Five?


Let me try this. Is it cheating if one of the five things is my purse?  Because I can shove a lot of things in that purse!  Just take a look at SOME of the things in my purse...these are definitely the most important to me:

Obviously, the first of my "Five Things" is my cell phone because I do not know how I survived without one.  EVER.  And naturally, my wallet is in my purse but what's important *in* the wallet is the credit card that is completely burning a damn hole in my wallet.  Shhh....don't tell my husband. 

Since I'm not counting my wallet (because duh, who doesn't put their wallet in their purse) the second don't leave home without is my hair clips.  I have long bangs and most of the time they are pushed behind my ear but sometimes those bastards fall in my eyes. All. Day. Long.  I have to put my hair up and yes, I look like Pebbles.

Number three goes to my roll-on perfume.  I can never ever have enough Juicy!  The one pictured above is the fifth one in my possession.  Hubby bought the original one for me as a happy.  It was the only perfume he's ever bought me so, I guess that's why I like the scent.  You think it would hurt his feelings if I changed flavors?  Because I really want DKNY Pure.  It smells so yummy.  And, I want to smell yummy.

The fourth item really should be the first but you know, not everyone has their priorities straight.  So, number four is my migraine meds.  As you can see, I have many different options to choose from. I never *ever* leave the house without them.  Even if I'm just going to the tanning bed. Seriously.

Lastly, my lip moisturizer.  This is not lipstick.  It's not lip gloss.  It's not even chap stick.  It's moisturizer for  your lips, and I can promise you that once you try it, you will become addicted just like I have.  My friend Holly bought me one after she tried it.  Seriously, she got home, opened the package used it and hopped right back in her SUV, drove back to the store and bought one for me.  How sweet right?  I think so because I love this stuff.  It's made by Carmex but doesn't really have that distinct carmex smell.  It makes your lips shiny like  you have lip gloss on but not all goopy like when you put lip gloss on and can't touch your lips together because they'll get stuck.  The lip moisturizer has aloe in it so it soothes your lips too!  It's like rubbing a stick of butter on your lips without that nasty taste.  Plus, could you imagine how you would smell if you used butter as lip moisturizer?

There you have it - the Five Things I will not ever leave my house without.  Look at this:

I couldn't just end it with the Five Things I'd never leave the house without. Here are five things at my desk that are *always* there and I couldn't function properly without. 

Lotion, because the soap in our bathrooms at work really dries my hands out. I'm in love with the Antibacterial Lotions and this one is ULTA's Pomegranate.  Love it!

A mirror, because nobody at my office will EVER tell me if I have a bat in the cave.  Plus, I like to look at myself.  I know there are two on my desk but I love my cute little Fleur De Lis Mirror.  It's all blingy and just fits my style!

Sticky notes, because I'm a sticky note whore and write on them and post them everywhere.  I love the colored ones - why because they're cute of course I do cute things!

Reading glasses, because hello - I'm getting older and can't see a blasted thing without them.  The readers in the picture above came from a dollar store.  I know right?  And they're so stylish I get compliments on them often.

And look, more lip moisturizer!  I really love this stuff so much that I have one in my purse, one in my car, one in my bathroom, one on my nightstand and one at my desk.  This stuff is so good I have it literally everywhere . It's like chocolate for my lips!

I love it so much I'm going to give it away.  I'm not being paid by anyone for my extreme pleasure in lip moisturizer, I just want to share with you my top five desk items!  One lucky winner will receive Lip Moisturizer, Hand Lotion, Cute Sticky Notes, A Fancy Pocket Mirror and YES - even Reading Glasses!  All you have to do is comment on this post and tell me your Five Things you'd never leave home without!  Because I love hilarity, I will pick the most hilarious list.

Have fun and be creative!

Jan 31, 2011

Techie Free and All about Me

I'm baaaaack!

I decided to take a techie break.  You know, lay my phone down and ignore the constant beeping from incoming texts.  Not turn the computer on and check my email.  Forget Facebook.  Thank kind of break.

That shit was hard, dude.  And if you text me over the weekend and I haven't returned your text, please don't wait for it.  I deleted them so I can start over today.  I guess you're not stuck on the side of the road or out of toilet paper because if it were that kind of emergency then you would have PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ME!!!

Yes, I do have a problem.  I'm addicted to technology.  Bad.  I would seriously rather text you to tell you something than actually dial your number and talk to you.  So, I decided enough was enough and I put my phone in a drawer and left the home computer off for the entire weekend. 

OK.  I'm lying.  I couldn't make it the whole weekend.  You know why?  I'll tell you:  I ate every piece of bread in the entire house.  Instead of playing on the computer I read.  TWO BOOKS!  When all the bread was gone out of the house I had to have something to occupy my stomach while reading so I made MORE BREAD!  Seriously, it might have been healthier if I'd have just returned all of your texts and played Scarab Solitaire on Facebook all weekend long!

I was taking a break from my 2nd book because I had to take a dump go to the bathroom.  I usually bring my book along to drop the kids off at the pool, but I dropped it in my rush to get to the toilet in time.  The most recent Food Network magazine was sitting on the back of the toilet and I grabbed it and started reading.

Really quick, my husband thinks it's so ridiculous that I actually have time to read an article or seven while "filing paperwork in the office".  He thinks I should just be able to get in there and get it done quick.  He says that if I have to sit there that long, then *it* wasn't ready to unload.  I have news for him.  My bowels must be a lot longer than his because this chick needs at least 30 minutes!  It only takes him 2 at the most.

Anyway, making a donation to the super "bowl" I found a recipe for Parker House Rolls and *had* to make them right away. Here's a picture of my rolls that are now demolished:

In my defense I halved the recipe and there were 3 other bread lovers in my house this weekend, so they shared in the demolition of the yummiest rolls.  If you want to make this buttery goodness then you can just go here to find Alex Guarnaschelli's Parker House Rolls recipe for Food Network Magazine.

I have to say that I'm very glad to back in your lives, writing, texting and following along with your life by stalking your Facebook pages.  Don't think I don't do it either.  Here's what I have for you today as if the above weren't enough.  A little interview of me, by me!

1. If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be? It depends on the topic, I mean shit how could I just start giving the entire world advice?  On what subject would you like my advice?  Sorry interviewer, you'll have to be more specific.  Life in general?  Do not stare. It's rude.  I do it all the time and get the finger. Then I get pissed because of someones audacity to actually flip me off just because I'm nosey.

2. If you could have a room full of any one thing, what would it be? I think it would be damn cool if I could have a room full of......hell, I can't think of anything because you are making me narrow it down to ONE thing.  I'm too indecisive to tell you just one thing.  Of course Chocolate but I love bread too.  I used to say that if I were stranded on a deserted island the one thing I could totally live on was bread.  So bread it is.  Make my room full of carbs (my spell check wanted me to put CRABS there).  A couch made from bread - how totally cool would that be?  Just lay on the couch watching TV and gnaw on the arm of the couch, ha! So, it looks like Chocolate Covered Bread is what I would want.  YUM!

3. What do you value most in other people? Seriously, it helps if you're going to be honest.  I cannot stand when people lie.  And if your honesty hurts my feelings, so be it.  I will like you and talk about you much, much less if you are honest with me.  Because really, I'm still gonna talk about your ass.  Just a lot less, if you stay honest with me.

4. If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see? That's a stupid question. But, Hot pink.  Hot pink is the other color I would like to be able to see.  Because really?  Why would God make us if we couldn't see His beautiful colors?

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Nothing.  I'm perfect.  Really, I am.  Except for my ass.  It's pretty much a donkey butt.  Oh, and hands.  I have man hands and they don't go with my body.  Then, there's this issue with my boobs.  You might think they are substantial when you look at me but that's only because I wear a padded bra filled with extra balloon pads.  I honestly have NO boobs.  They too, do not belong on my body.  If my boobs were proportioned with my back side then I'd at least be wearing a D cup.  But other than that......I'm good.

6. If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass on to your children, what would it be? My humor.  Because I'm funny right?  RIGHT?  I often use my humor to even cheer myself up and to hide my true feelings.  But really, if I can walk into a room and smile and say something totally off the wall and make just *one* person laugh, then I've done my job.  But, for realz though, my son is going to be a stand up watch.

7. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?  If I absolutely knew that without a doubt that I would not fail I would read a script for a comedy show and become famous!

8. Would you rather teach a young child to read or have to learn again for yourself? Are you FKM?????  Have you ever listened to a 4 year old try to read?  Dude, I'd much rather learn to read again from someone who can teach me than have to teach a young child to read myself.  I've tried that and can't do it. I've found myself getting frustrated and throw the book while telling that young child that technology is growing at a rapid pace so, hang tight and before you know it, you won't ever have to even know how to read!

9. What is the best advice you've ever given and received? About 3 seconds ago, I told someone to smile while they talk on the phone so it gives the impression that whatever the person on the other end is saying, it's really not bothering you.  As long as you let someone see or even hear tension in your voice they are dominating the conversation.  Sort of like, "don't let 'em see you sweat".  Another one I like to share is when someone complains "that's not fair", I always come back with "The only thing that is *FAIR* in life comes to town once a year and it's usually around my birthday".

10. How would you like to die? My entire family and all of my friends know that I am convinced that I'm going to die in a horrible car accident only after I have been cut out of my vehicle with the jaws of life and the paramedics have to find a cooler big enough to pack my leg in so they can attempt to reattach it at the hospital.  They reattach it while I'm on life support but since I have a DNR they are trying to keep me hanging on until my family can say goodbye, but I never make it.  However, I would *like* to die in my sleep after a long night of hot passionate sex with hubby while he fed me chocolate covered bread.