Mar 30, 2011

Here's my Disclaimer: Read My Blog Your Own Risk

This is supposed to be a SHORT CLEAN blog. 

I doubt it will end up that way.

I've been busy for the past few weeks.  Busy reviewing products. Busy packing for vacation and then resting from vacation. I've even been busy at work.  I know, weird right?  I mean, give me a break boss.  I come to work to rest from being a mom and a wife for crying out loud. I'm so busy that I'm too busy to be busy!

I digress.

One of the major things that I can't stop thinking about here lately is that I'm kind of OUT THERE. Aren't I?  Like, I know I'm out there, like *crazy* out there.  But, the way I'm talking about is that I say quite a bit of stuff that some people may think I should take a little more lightly or perhaps not be so open about.  Maybe I shouldn't tell everyone that I'm a raging bitch and I don't know how my husband puts up with me?  Maybe I shouldn't tell you how I feel about gay and lesbian marriage or even share that I have homosexuals in my family. Perhaps people find it offensive that I talk about my sex life on the Internet.  And maybe, just maybe I should stop using such foul language. 

That's just not who I am y'all!  I'm not going to shake your hand after meeting you for the first time and say "How the fuck are ya!" And, there are a few words that I just refuse to say one of them starts with a C.  Funny, I have a friend that says:  "She's nothing but a that word I don't say"....Anyway.

Something that I often have to think twice about is *WHO* is following/reading me on Facebook, on my Blog, on TWITTER, basically the Internet as a whole.  When I say I'm out there, I mean you could probably google me and find something very offensive and my name is behind it.  Just last night while I was talking to my mom on the phone she mentioned something about my dad finding a picture of someone on *my* Facebook page. 

WTF, dad looks at my Facebook page?  How, does he have a Facebook account?

I don't think so, he just has ways....

Believe me y'all, he really does have ways.  He's a retired Attorney so he knows how to snoop.  Where do you think I learned it from?

Then thoughts went racing into my head like my mother and father-in-law reading my blog or my facebook page or my blog or finding my tweets.  What if they read them? 

For a minute those thoughts really worried me. But, so what if my dad looks at my Facebook page? So what if my father-in-law reads my blog? They are only finding out that in today's society we are a lot more open than they used to be.  I'm 99.9% sure they have done everything we are doing now.  They just didn't have the tools we do these days to brag about it and tell the entire world.  Back then that would have been a lot of letter writing! I am who I am and I speak my mind and if I want you to know something about my life or someone else's, I'm going to tell you especially if it's a juicy story. 

UNLESS it hurts your feelings. If it hurts you in any way, OF COURSE I'll apologize for it and I might just do it publicly and even remove it from my world of publicness.  Because my peeps, you have got to understand that by no means, in no way, not ever will I do something with the pure INTENT on hurting you or anyone, especially if I love you.  Hell, if I've even spoke to you I probably already love you so that's a great huge area of peeps!  But, I really do have a heart and I'm not stupid either.

There is ONE person that I don't ever want to hurt (other than my children) and that is my husband.  He has been my everything.  He is a rock that I can depend on no matter what situation I get myself into.  He's that guy who has a solution to everything.  He also is one of two people in my life that I know doesn't ever let anything bother him.  Both he and my father have this ability to let things roll off their backs like water rolls off the back of a duck.  He just finds a way around the giant boulder in the road and keeps moving right along.  With that being said, there are people in his life that could be affected by what I say and do.  I don't want to hurt those people either. 

So, this is kind of like my public apology to anyone I've ever wronged or offended.  I'm sorry y'all.  I really am.  If you are one that I was just speaking to you need remember that you clicked on my blog, Facebook, Twitter or whatever it is you're reading, so you can easily remove yourself from my social media places of reading enjoyment - just don't read it. 

I can be your secret guilty pleasure. Go on, keep reading and laugh out loud.  You know you want to.

See you when you stop by tomorrow!

Mar 9, 2011

Day Six: You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours

Touch me so I don't have a heart attack.

What are you talking about?

If you touch me, it will make my blood pressure go down and I'll be all happy.

Yeah, right.

Today's exercise is all about touch.  I feel like we've been down this road before but, I swear I'm reading day six.  And, honestly I can't count on one hand how many days *didn't* go by that we never touch at all.  Aside from the quick peck on the cheek and a high five or two every now and then.  So, I want to take this seriously to see if our attitudes will lighten up a bit.

The other day, I made him hug me while I counted to thirty. Today, I made him hold my hand in the grocery store.  Not the whole time because damn it if his hands didn't start to get all clammy.  Nothing worse than clammy hands for real!  When we put the groceries in the car I was waiting for him in the passenger seat and I leaned over to kiss him.  He was a little weirded out.

Babe, someone is going to see us!

I know, and heaven forbid if someone sees a man and a wife showing a *little* affection for each other!


And he leaned in again for the rest of my kiss.  I really did try to hold his hand on the way home but seriously, I think the man has diabetes because his hands were all sweaty again. 

All the time he's smacking my ass as I walk through the kitchen.  Or like, as soon as I get done filing some paperwork in the bathroom, he thinks it's totally funny to try and jiggle the fat parts of my ass.  Doesn't he know that some things take time to get back to normal?  I mean for real...leave me alone until I can recuperate!

So, for our evening exercise I wanted to give him a full body massage.  I wanted to be nice to him, like he is to me when I whine for 40 hours that my back hurts and will you please rub my shoulders and lower back and tickle my arms and play with my hair?  He has a totally sensitive body and it's from one extreme to the other.  Either I'm to soft and it tickles him to death, or I'm being much too rough for his sissy pants.  I swear I think I massaged him for an hour and he was so relaxed, he didn't even take his contact lenses out before falling asleep!  I snuggled in next to him and probably slept better than I have in weeks!

Remember to check out COUPLES PLACE on Facebook for your own guide!

I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Day Five: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

So, it's day five - really it feels like day 75 because I'm swamped at work and I'm getting ready for a cruise but you know for reality sakes, it's day five and that means this activity took place exactly one week ago today. 

BTW, packing for a 7 day cruise for 4 people sucks balls.

The last week has really been tremendous though.  And although we are physically done with the KY Intimacy Experiment the reconnection that has happened between my husband and I is amazing.  I find it weird that we are actually still coming up with new things to discuss and games to play.

So, day five is all about connecting outside the bedroom with some type of fun activity.  I would have preferred it to be something that neither of us have tried but yet again, it's the middle of the week and I can't just take my kids to the park and accidentally forget them.  Nor do I feel like asking my parents if they can keep them overnight so hubby and I can play games.  I just can't imagine telling my father exactly what kind of games we will be playing.  No dad, they can't play the games with us....... I will just completely avoid that conversation all together.  Thank you very much.

I broke out the Wii controllers and we had a little Wii Sports fun together.  I can't tell you how much we cracked up.  I highly suggest video taping yourself while playing Wii Pro Bowler - it's down right funny I tell you.  My husband is, or rather, *was* a fantastic bowler prior to our meeting.  He was on a league and won many trophies that are now sitting in our attic collecting dust.  Since he doesn't play cards or board games (not even with the kids) because "he's not good at them and doesn't really understand *how* to play, I let him choose his game of choice on the Wii.  Honestly, I think he doesn't like loosing and that is why he doesn't play games with us.  So, what does he choose?  Bowling.  Why not, he's a pro right? 


I kicked his ARSE in Wii Pro Bowler.  And, since we had to make a friendly competition out of this for our evening activity (which ensued immediately after his tough loss because, hello - I was the winner) I was loving it even more and he was not a happy camper.  We each had 10 index cards and got to write an activity of our choice on them.  Shuffled them up and placed them in separate piles.  I win, he chooses from my stack.  He wins, I chose from his stack.

I on 8 games out of 10.  That meant that I had to allow him to indulge in only two of his activities he requested.  One of the cards that I chose from his pile said: "No complaining (saying no) when I want to touch you".  DUH!  We're doing an experiment and why the hell would I complain?  The other card I drew, I can't tell you what it had on it.  However, it wasn't anything close to the genius I wrote on my cards.

Draw me a bath and be creative as you make it romantic

Play with my hair

Tickle my back

Sing to me in your best voice and be serious, no laughing

Now, before he pulled the fifth card he acting like a big cry baby and said I wasn't fair in what I wrote down....he said none of them were intimacy related and involved getting in the bed with me!  I was dying laughing at this point and just urged him to read on.  I mean, how can he tell me what I would enjoy that would lead to a fantastic evening together?  He can't.  The next cards were:

Blah, blah, blah, la la la, something, something, something - it's just too much for this here blog.

He turned red after reading it.  SCORE!

Make a list of 5 things you honestly love about me and then whisper them in my ear laying naked against me

Wash my hair in the tub (that would have only worked in my favor had he drawn that top card - had he not drawn it, he'd have thrown a cup of water on my head and squeezed the shampoo bottle over it).

And here's the BEST one that I'm so glad he drew - it meant that he could enjoy it too:

Allow me to touch you all over your body and you can't rush me or say one word!

I have to say that this by far was the BEST day and night activity and I can't wait until tomorrow.  If you want more information visit the K-Y Intimacy Experiment tab on Couples Place.

 “I wrote this fun posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Mar 3, 2011

Day Four: Birthday Suit

The last time I got completely naked with the lights on, I was trying to make my husband laugh at me, not trying to get him to take me serious.

The only other time he saw me naked I was asking him over and over again if my legs were sticking up in the air.  Because it feels like my legs are sticking straight up in the air.  Are they sticking up in the air Jason?

No Genny, they're strapped down!

I was on the table in the OR having my son cut out of my belly.  And even then he couldn't look!

Nudity is just something I'm not comfortable with. 

Even when I was fairly decent looking in a bathing suit, I never wanted to go around nude.  Now hubs on the other hand is a different story.  I mean, he's never really walked around nude but if he could get away with wearing his boxer briefs around the house all day every day, he'd do it.

The instructions for day four of my 10 day marriage re-vamp: Wear your Birthday Suit.

Because I can't ship my kiddos off in the middle of the week and I will not allow a furlough during our KY reconnection, we modified the Birthday Suit.  And even though it wasn't pretty, I wore a cute little spaghettistrapsilknightie that barely covered my ass.  I just can't walk around with my middle showing. For a while I had to wear panties - just until the kids went to bed.  Then I made hubs promise to lay a towel on the love seat in case I laughed too hard and peed.

What?  Two babies does that shit to you!

So, hubs walked around in almost naked but until the kids went to bed he put a pair of sweat shorts on. I'm used to him like that, but me, looking the way I did?  He was rushing time and trying to make the boys go to bed at 7 p.m.!!  Not because I was looking hot.  More because I wasn't constantly complaining about my fat arms or the orange peel effect which was more prevalent on my right leg than my left.  I held my head up high and smiled.  I said positive things and because I was convincing myself that I was the pretty girl he married, I actually *felt* like a pretty girl. 

Since we've been focusing on getting intimate, we had a lot of DVR'd shows to watch.  Once the kids were asleep and I was SURE my bladder was empty, we took our places right next to each other. It was nice cuddling on the loveseat skin to skin while we watched our shows.  Occasionally, I had to cover up with a blanket when I freaked out because I thought I heard a kid wandering around.  But, for the most part once we both let our guard down, it was nice finally feeling secure in the skin we married each other in.

For more info on the K-Y Intimacy Experiment, check out the KY-Couples Place.

“I wrote this posting while participating in a fun blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. While I have been compensated for my time my opinions are my own and I have to been paid to publish positive commentary."

Day Three: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk past you again?

First let me apologize for being tardy to the party.  I hate that song.  Anyway, I haven't written in the last two days because of a traumatic situation that my son put me through but that's a whole different blog.  I promise to tell you about it after these blissful 10 days of Marriage/Lovers Rehab.

Also, having to have a full time job sucks because y'all, I've never been so busy in my life!  I guess someone thinks I'm responsible or something.  I'm going to have to do something about that right away.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ring, ring.

Picks up phone: This is Heather (I had a total attitude because the operator told me it was my Ex-husband Jason on the phone).

Man on line: Hi Heather, this is Jason.  Your friend Sasha gave me your number.

Heather: Oh!!  Whew!  Forgive me for the tone - the operator told me it was my ex-husband.  Funny, Sasha didn't tell me your name was Jason!

Man: Um, is your ex-husbands name Jason?

Heather:  Hmmm?  I'm sorry, what?

Man:  Oh, name, it' name is Jason and I just wanted to call and say hello.  Sasha has told me quite a bit about you.  I thought maybe we could meet sometime.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fast forward three weeks and FINALLY on a Friday night we met.  We talked on the phone every afternoon, at practically the same time every single day.  I laughed so much, I swear I hadn't ever laughed that much in my life.  He was funny and sweet and very charming.  You know, as charming as you can be over the telephone. That Friday, he called at work (I was too chicken to give him my home phone number because I am also WAY too cheap to have it unlisted.  Dude, he could Google me.) and we decided that we'd meet at the club.  We set a time and hung up.  For some reason I was totally nervous.  I went to my friend Sasha, who by the way is my hair stylist AND knows Jason because her salon is inside a tanning salon where he tans.  She convinced me that I needed to flat iron my hair.  So, I let her and I haven't turned back. You know, because that's how Jason knows me. With flat hair. I headed home and changed and decided I was going to beat him to the club, get at least one drink in me to relax and then play it from there. 

Last night, we reenacted our first ever face to face conversation when I met my charming husband 8 years ago.  It goes *something* like this:

As I walk through the door, my nerves have got the best of me and I can hardly smile.  I so bad want him to look good.  But, that's not what matters, right?  Tell me I'm right, God....tell me I'm right.  I keep convincing myself that looks do not matter. I'm really not that shallow and since we've met over the phone and talked to each other for three weeks now, I should be OK if he's not the cutest thing since Luke Perry. 

I promise I didn't call anyone to meet me there "just in case" but, I spotted a girlfriend and her guy friend and I made a bee-line for them.  I didn't tell them that I was meeting anyone special, just a "friend".  I quickly made it through my first Captain Morgans and Dr. Pepper and ordered my second.  I barely put my hand around the glass and the bartender told me that it was paid for.

I'm sorry, what?

Your drink, that one's paid for.  The guy over there in the Old Navy t-shirt?  He paid for it.

Holy mother of Jesus, how am I going to explain it to Jason that someone else is buying me drinks?  Think, think fast.  I need to go tell him thank you but what if he gets the wrong impression?  I'll just be honest with him and tell him I'm meeting a blind date. 

I walked to him and held out my hand for a handshake - "Heather, nice to meet you!  Thank you for the drink. 

Oh, you're welcome.  I couldn't pass up your pretty face.

That's awfully sweet of you.  I need to be honest with you though.  I'm meeting a blind date in about 30 minutes.  So, I don't want to lead you in the wrong direction.

So you're single?

Yes, have been for over a year now.  I guess I'm ready.  Who knows?

Well, I'll be here for a while.  If your blind date doesn't work out.  Come find me.  Good Luck.

Thank you very much.

I headed out back to the deck for fresh air.  The time was closing in on me and my insides were in a big knot.  A few more friends stopped by to chat and time passed quickly.

Oh no, here comes Old Navy.  God, if this thing doesn't work out with Jason, I'll get major hottie's Old Navy number!  As he was walking toward me I noticed that his eyes didn't divert from mine the entire time.  When he stopped in front of me he said:

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I gotta walk by you again?

I was speechless, and completely confused.  When I didn't say anything back and could only crack a smile, he held out his hand and said:

I'm Jason, are you Heather?

My heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn't stop laughing.  I was *so* glad that "Old Navy" turned out to be the man I had been talking to on the phone for the last three weeks.  And all of the sudden, a thousand thoughts came rushing to my mind.

He got to the club early like me, was he planning on skipping out if pretty girl didn't walk through the door? OMG, he'd been watching me the entire time. My friends that were here already had been talking to him also, did they know we were meeting? Did HE call them? Crap, crap, crap!  What do I do, what do I say? I'm freaking out!

I was just myself.  I stood up and hugged him and he wrapped his arms around me (yes, high school dance style - but I was much skinnier then) and planted the most tender, juicy, very, very long kiss on my lips.  And I kissed him back.  I had been so ready to kiss those Old Navy lips anyway, so I didn't even think twice about it.

As the night wore on, we danced.  Chatted in the cool night air some more and had the most amazing first date ever.  He drove me home that night, and walked me to my door.  I asked him if he'd like to come in and he politely declined.  The next day, he cooked me dinner at his house and for the next 3 years we had never ever spent the night apart.

8 years and a 2nd son later, we honestly love each other more every single year.  But, with kids it's so easy to get in a rut and forget about what it is that you love about your spouse.  What makes your insides go wild about them?  How they look at you?  You forget the silly things that used to make you laugh but now make you cringe.  I forgot about the way he walked to me that night and two nights ago when we replayed it, I found out that he has never changed the way he walks to me with intent and loving, sometimes very passionate eyes. 

We shared our journals as suggested by the KY Intimacy Experiment  and I was surprised to learn that he *loves* the way I seem so unknowing.  Because it means he can "show me the ropes", take me under his wing, if you will.  That right there melted me.  I was so excited to share mine.  We mesh so well because I mostly wrote how I love that he takes care of every situation, no matter what.  And, that he's the mean guy.  You know, the bad cop to the kids when they get in trouble.  I don't have to do it because he's got my back!

I freaked out a little bit that he called me Heather and then I remembered that we were "playing".  I was a little bummed that he didn't want to change his name but he did change his occupation and where he was from. 

Now, I'm married to Jason who is a multi-million dollar entrepreneur in Landscape Franchises all around the world.  He's basically a Horticulturist and the best part.  He's from Hawaii and loves girls from California.

In my wildest dreams.

Don't forget to go to COUPLES PLACE™ and download your PDF for your own Intimacy Experiment.

“I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”