Jul 25, 2011

TMI, But You Should Feel Sorry for Me for REAL

Who the hell gets sick when they're on vacation and then on TDY?

I do, that's who!

As you may have read yesterday, I went to St. Louis to visit my brother.  So, Wednesday through Saturday night was a little mommy play time.  I had a great time, once I got there.  Sunday, I drove from St. Louis to Murfreesboro, TN for a class that will end Thursday.

So, Sunday I'm headed to Tennessee.  Now, when I drive I like to get there.  No stopping.  No eating, just drive and get to where you're going.  About 40 miles into the drive I had to stop.  I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I stopped at some rinky dink truck stop and peed, ran back to the car and got back on the Interstate and cranked up the tunes.

30 minutes later, I sneezed and peed.

What the hell? I hadn't consumed enough liquids to be peeing this much.  And it was a high probability that I was dehydrated from all the alcohol consumed the previous days.  I pulled off the interstate and drove into the Sonic.  I was a little sleepy anyway.  Nothing like a little Mocha Java Chiller to light me up!  I popped the trunk and dug through my suitcase.

Imagine the look on the dudes face when I pulled some panties and a pair of shorts out of my suitcase and headed to the restroom which, by the way, didn't lock and the door handle was about to fall off.  I don't think I've ever peed and changed so quick in my life.  Yes, I peed again.  This time in the toilet. But, what felt like was going to be another bowl full, was nothing but about a teaspoon full.  And, Holy mother of God, it burned like hell coming out!

Son of a bitch, am I getting a bladder infection?  I wouldn't know, because I've never had one before.  I ignored the signs (I was complaining the night before from a little back pain, but I honestly thought it was my drunk dancing.  You know, you feel things the next day that you didn't before because that Crown and Coke goes down smooth and makes you feel warm all over!).  So, there was back pain, a dull throb in the hooch, fire like sensation when urinating.  What?  That's not normal?  I got back in my car and headed East.  I was bound and determined to make it all the way without stopping.

I made it!  About 3 hours later I was seriously doing the potty dance at the front desk while the cute boys at the check in desk looked at me all crazy like.  I didn't bother moving my car and headed straight up the elevator to my room, in the door and BAM! 

I peed my pants again.

Fuck. What the hell am I going to do now?  My suitcase is IN THE CAR!

But, you all know I'm a genius.  I see a bag on the back of my bathroom door.  When I peek inside, what do I find?  Jackpot, A BLOW DRYER!

Yes, I did.  And when I went downstairs an hour later, I said in my sweetest Southern Drawl, "Lord, I forgot my car was right in the way y'all, I hope I didn't cause any trouble!" And I slipped out the door to move my car.

Y'all, I'm about to die here today!  I got up 6 times to pee only to drip drop in the toilet and scream from pain.  My neighbors might think there's something fun going on in here but I can assure you there is NOT!  When my alarm goes off, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for class.  I can't even get in the door good before I'm like:

Oh sorry y'all I gotta pee.

For some reason there is assigned seating in this class since we are all from different parts of the US, so this way we can get to know each other.  Whatever.  Where is my seat?  In the fucking middle of the room!  And, what am I going to say to the instructor?

Look dude, I have a bladder infection which means I have to pee every ten minutes and hefty here next to me doesn't look like she wants to be bothered to move every time I have to leave the room.  You mind if I sit in the back?

No, I sucked it up and took my seat.

20 minutes in, I exit the room.  And again 20 minutes after that.  And again 20 minutes after that.  And you get the picture.  Except it didn't seem to bother the instructor or the gal sitting in the blasted way.  It bothered ME!

I finally couldn't stand it anymore and when I was brought to tears in the bathroom for the 80th time, I called my doctor back home and begged for some meds.

Now, my pee is the color Burnt Sienna, I hate Cranberry Juice but have enough of it in my hotel refrigerator to own stock in Ocean Spray, and I'm still in pain!

You can feel sorry for me now.  I just told you that I peed my pants twice in one day for Christ's Sake!

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