Nov 21, 2011

By far the Weirdest Massage EVER!

This is going to be VERY, VERY long......get comfortable.

Someone who spoils me rotten tells me all the time "You're not spoiled, you're just well taken care of".

But, really....I'm totally spoiled.

I get a massage once a month. Sometimes twice.

I get my nails and toes done every two weeks. 

And, I get my hair done every 8 weeks.

It's totally a girl thing.

And, I'm spoiled.

I've been so busy the last 6 weeks, that I missed my last two massages.  Since I pay for them by auto-draft from my bank account, they don't go away.  Thank god.

It finally slowed down and my attention is no longer in full demand.  For a few days anyway.  So, today I called to see if there was any way I could be squeezed in for an hour massage.  My regular masseuse was not available for the entire week and there was no way I was waiting until next week because something is bound to come up where I wouldn't be able to go.

I have a standing appointment with the same dude for my massages every month. I've been having regular massages since April and I swear to god, the chicks just aren't strong enough.  Either that, or they want to talk my fucking ear off and really, I'm not there to hear how you just love the color of my hair or how you swear my skin looks like a piece of golden brown juicy fried chicken (it was summer and I was really, really tan). So, I finally got the courage to ask for someone, preferably a man, with strong hands.  They found *Leo* and I tip really well.

Today, I was really desperate for a massage.  My back and shoulders have been killing me for the last two weeks, and remember the run last week? My legs are still throbbing.  So, I called and sweet little Jenna at the front said that Whitney was the only one available tonight.  No big deal, I'd just tell her to go stronger on the pressure. 

I check in.

I wait in the tranquility room for Whitney.

I spit my water all over the floor.

I choked.

Whitney walked in the tranquility room to get me.

Whitney is a man.

Who talks like a woman.

With a very pronounced receding hairline.

Shake it off Gen.  It's all good.

It went downhill immediately when ol' Whit told me that she he starts his massages with the client LYING ON THEIR BACKS!!!!.  That's me. Face up. No bra, just panties.  Face up.  Looking at Whitney. And his forehead. 

Awkward, but I go with it.  I'm already shaking inside because I'm trying not to laugh my ass off and he asks me if I'd like him to turn the heat up on the bed.  Go ahead buddy, maybe you'll enjoy the ass sweat!  So, he starts out by asking me to take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale loudly through my mouth.  I do.  He breathes with me.  WAIT!  He's got a bugger stopping the airflow and his nose is whistling.  This happened through the entire massage!  I am NOT relaxing.

He then proceeds to work on my arms and legs....remember I'm face up.  But, at this point I don't give a damn because I'm laughing so hard inside, I'm literally crying.  Tears are streaming down the side of my head.  Each time he finishes a limb of mine, he covers it with the blanket and gives it a nice gentle swipe as if he were whisking the pain away. 

Please picture this, because here is where I lost it completely.

With each swipe of my limbs he did a pirouette!.  I am not shitting you.  He kicked his back leg, pointed his hands and lifted his chin to the ceiling.  I died out laughing and it scared the crap out of this poor man.  He immediately came entirely too close to my face and whispered "Are you alright Genevieve?" 

I lied.

I pretended I was in agonizing pain and quickly flipped over so my back was exposed.

Told him I had a really bad cramp in the middle of my back and if he could just rub my back I think I would feel so much better.

I know I complained about Fried Chicken Talk My Head Off Lady, bud DAMN, this was by far the weirdest massage I have EVER had in my life!

Jermaine is back on Monday.  And I'll be there at 5.

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