This is the one I don't want my husband to see.
I knew that damn pack of cigarettes I just had to have in Vegas 4 weeks ago was eventually going to bite me in the ass!
Yes I smoked the whole pack.
All 20 of them.
By myself.
And paid about $7 dollars too much for them. But I didn't care that the lady said $9 when she handed them to me. I had a fantastic buzz and damn it, I was going to smoke.
Today, my lungs hate me. My taste buds even hate me. The shit that has been flying up my esophagus is the most foul tasting junk I have ever had resting on my tongue. And little did I know, my gag reflexes have become so strong in my older age!
I've thrown up twice today.
I decided that after about a month and a half off, I was going to start running again. I was talking about it yesterday in a meeting with some co-workers and wouldn't you know it, someone who came from out of town found a great place to run and invited me to run with him.
Why the hell do I not know how to say NO? I can't do it. It's not in me at all to say no.
This guy runs 7 days a week. Every. Single. Day. And, I'm not talking the little 2 miles that I was planning on starting out with. I can guarantee you he runs about 10-15 miles a day.
My stupid fat ass said I would go run with him this morning.
One of my greatest qualities is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I never back out.
Today, I wish I would have backed out.
First, it was like 30 degrees outside. And, I love the cold weather but remember the fucking entire pack of cigarettes I smoked 4 weeks ago? Right. My lungs were already pissed at me for that. Add the nice cold crisp air stabbing me in the chest and I'm not really a happy camper.
But, I did it. I committed myself to meet him at 4:45 a.fucking.m and we ran.
Well, he ran and I jogged. Most of the time. Because I had to walk when I almost threw up. Six times.
He ran circles around me. Literally. Like, I was running around the lake, and he was running around me running around the lake!
I cannot move a muscle in my body. I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller. The smokephlegm is just multiplying up my throat and I had to have my husband take my boots off tonight.
Guess what my dumb ass did today before I left work?
I'll let you know how tomorrow's morning run goes.....ugh.
Nov 15, 2011
Insomnia
There are two people who are going to be very happy when I'm done typing.
I think.
They know who they are. They know each other. They Should probably get married.
They're assholes too, because they're benefiting from my lack of ability to sleep at this early morning hour.
Oh, they're not asleep. It's a different time zone where they are. I bet they're on their 3rd Micro brew as I type.
But, I can't sleep.
The older I get, the less sleep I get and that's so funny because when I was really young, I thought all my parents did was sleep. Maybe that's why I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters?
Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at pretending I'm in the deepest sleep ever.
Huh? Frankenstein..no, she's got the apple. Tell him to flip the shoe before it's burned.....
That's either a super deep sleep or someone slipped me a Mickey when I wasn't looking. But, it worked because he rolled over and went to sleep. Ha!
And sometimes, I just have a really bad headache *wink, wink*!
Anyway - there are a million things running through my mind right now. And my intestines too....I was so busy today, I forgot to eat until around 7 when I finally got home from work. I ate a 1/2 a pop tart and 1/2 a bag of Chex Mix. My bowels are not too happy with me right now!
So, I can't sleep because believe it or not, I'm NOT a good speaker when I have to stand up in front of you and 16 of your peers and bullshit my way through a presentation. You know why? Because I'm not a good liar. When you're looking at me. Let me tell some BS you over the phone, or in an email and I can bust that shit out. But put me up in front of you, and I know you can see right through me!
A few weeks ago I was in Orlando at a small conference and I actually made fun of someone because she was so nervous when she got up to speak that she sounded like she was crying.
Carma is going to bite me on the ass tomorrow. Because guess what this bitch sounds like when she's nervous? LIKE I'M CRYING!!!!
I already have a call in for some Xanax. Some one's ass might be beat if they don't come through too.
I dont' give a shit if I sound like I'm three sheets to the wind.
I'd rather you think I had myself a little toddy in the morning before my presentation than for you to think I was so nervous I couldn't get my words out.
I guess I better do my best to close my eyes and fall asleep. Here's how tired I am. When I close my eyes I see a god damned second hand spinning in super speed around and around and around.
Nite nite!
I think.
They know who they are. They know each other. They Should probably get married.
They're assholes too, because they're benefiting from my lack of ability to sleep at this early morning hour.
Oh, they're not asleep. It's a different time zone where they are. I bet they're on their 3rd Micro brew as I type.
But, I can't sleep.
The older I get, the less sleep I get and that's so funny because when I was really young, I thought all my parents did was sleep. Maybe that's why I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters?
Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at pretending I'm in the deepest sleep ever.
Huh? Frankenstein..no, she's got the apple. Tell him to flip the shoe before it's burned.....
That's either a super deep sleep or someone slipped me a Mickey when I wasn't looking. But, it worked because he rolled over and went to sleep. Ha!
And sometimes, I just have a really bad headache *wink, wink*!
Anyway - there are a million things running through my mind right now. And my intestines too....I was so busy today, I forgot to eat until around 7 when I finally got home from work. I ate a 1/2 a pop tart and 1/2 a bag of Chex Mix. My bowels are not too happy with me right now!
So, I can't sleep because believe it or not, I'm NOT a good speaker when I have to stand up in front of you and 16 of your peers and bullshit my way through a presentation. You know why? Because I'm not a good liar. When you're looking at me. Let me tell some BS you over the phone, or in an email and I can bust that shit out. But put me up in front of you, and I know you can see right through me!
A few weeks ago I was in Orlando at a small conference and I actually made fun of someone because she was so nervous when she got up to speak that she sounded like she was crying.
Carma is going to bite me on the ass tomorrow. Because guess what this bitch sounds like when she's nervous? LIKE I'M CRYING!!!!
I already have a call in for some Xanax. Some one's ass might be beat if they don't come through too.
I dont' give a shit if I sound like I'm three sheets to the wind.
I'd rather you think I had myself a little toddy in the morning before my presentation than for you to think I was so nervous I couldn't get my words out.
I guess I better do my best to close my eyes and fall asleep. Here's how tired I am. When I close my eyes I see a god damned second hand spinning in super speed around and around and around.
Nite nite!
Sep 26, 2011
Today I Struggle with Emotion
Please do NOT judge me by this blog. I realize that I haven't blogged in quite some time, but today there is something I need to get off my chest. It hasn't been brewing in my mind for months, weeks or even days. It's something that just happened literally hours ago, and I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around it.
You could essentially call today's writing, an EMERGENCY Blog.
Around my office today, there are tears being shed. Lots of them.
There was a very tragic accident this weekend involving one of our coworkers. The accident took their life away and now the family of the coworker is left grieving. For the loss of their loved one of course, but it was a very tragic accident and the family is left reeling, not knowing what to do. I can imagine, it's a very difficult time.
Here at the office, everyone is in shock. This person was the go-to for just about everything. And, everyone loved the co-worker who just passed away so tragically.
Our office is basically at a stand still. Faces are expressionless. There is no motion. No flow. It's as if today is not happening.
And here I sit, sick to my stomach. I have no emotion. I am not crying. I'm not smiling either.
Did you read that?
I'm not crying.
I think I'm the only one in this building who has not cried. It's not that I didn't like this person, because I did. Every time they walked through the door there was a genuine smile and they ALWAYS acknowledged me.
This person was the very first person I had contact with once I was selected for my current position. They expressed genuine happiness that I was joining this office. When we finally met, the words that were spoken to me, completely shocked me. If you know me, you know that I'm a very strong willed woman. I think I'm smart, and funny and pretty and I can do anything I set my mind to. I do NOT need a man to get me where I'm going, and that would be TTT. Yes, one day I will be going To The TOP!
So, you can imagine my surprise and shock when I heard this from my co-worker my first day on the job:
"It's so great to finally meet Jason's wife. You know, you'll always be just 'Jason's Wife', you wont have your own name here. We all love Jason so much that we will simply refer to you as 'Jason's Wife'."
That right there set the tone for the relationship I had with that co-worker. I was always friendly, and genuinely happy to see this person when they walked through the door. Because this person was honestly a nice person. But, I never forgot what they said and how it made me feel like I will never amount to anything without my last name, and that perhaps I even got my promotion because I am 'Jason's Wife'. Maybe they didn't mean it that way, and perhaps it was just something said to make me more aware that my husband is a fantastic person to all that know him here, but still, I think I took it the wrong way.
Just 4 days ago, that person walked through the door and said: "Hello Genny". I've been here for almost 2 years now, and Thursday was the first day I was called by my real name by that co-worker. Today, that co-worker rests in Heaven and I know that to be true. But, today, I'm wondering why I'm not crying. Death is sad is it not? Especially when it happens so sudden and tragic as it did in this case.
I didn't know this person as well as so many others who work here did. I didn't have contact with this co-worker on a daily basis, but those who have tears falling from their eyes, and pain in their heart today *did* know him that well. I'm really struggling today with the fact that I'm not crying. I have tried on numerous occasions to lift the spirits of those who are hurt. But, to no avail, they turn their heads at me and ignore my genuine effort to make them feel a little better.
I'm afraid that today I'm being looked down upon because I didn't stay for prayer service after the short meeting. I'm afraid that the sound of keypad typing coming from my office door has those who aren't able to get through today feeling as though I have a hardened heart.
I don't. Honestly, I have a very soft heart and you will occasionally find it on my sleeve. Out there for everyone to see. Wide open for anyone who wishes to puncture it at any time.
I guess I'm reaching out to my faithful readers for help. Help me understand why I'm feeling this way and Please, for the love of God and my co-worker, God Rest His Soul, tell me, I'm not a bad person am I?
You could essentially call today's writing, an EMERGENCY Blog.
Around my office today, there are tears being shed. Lots of them.
There was a very tragic accident this weekend involving one of our coworkers. The accident took their life away and now the family of the coworker is left grieving. For the loss of their loved one of course, but it was a very tragic accident and the family is left reeling, not knowing what to do. I can imagine, it's a very difficult time.
Here at the office, everyone is in shock. This person was the go-to for just about everything. And, everyone loved the co-worker who just passed away so tragically.
Our office is basically at a stand still. Faces are expressionless. There is no motion. No flow. It's as if today is not happening.
And here I sit, sick to my stomach. I have no emotion. I am not crying. I'm not smiling either.
Did you read that?
I'm not crying.
I think I'm the only one in this building who has not cried. It's not that I didn't like this person, because I did. Every time they walked through the door there was a genuine smile and they ALWAYS acknowledged me.
This person was the very first person I had contact with once I was selected for my current position. They expressed genuine happiness that I was joining this office. When we finally met, the words that were spoken to me, completely shocked me. If you know me, you know that I'm a very strong willed woman. I think I'm smart, and funny and pretty and I can do anything I set my mind to. I do NOT need a man to get me where I'm going, and that would be TTT. Yes, one day I will be going To The TOP!
So, you can imagine my surprise and shock when I heard this from my co-worker my first day on the job:
"It's so great to finally meet Jason's wife. You know, you'll always be just 'Jason's Wife', you wont have your own name here. We all love Jason so much that we will simply refer to you as 'Jason's Wife'."
That right there set the tone for the relationship I had with that co-worker. I was always friendly, and genuinely happy to see this person when they walked through the door. Because this person was honestly a nice person. But, I never forgot what they said and how it made me feel like I will never amount to anything without my last name, and that perhaps I even got my promotion because I am 'Jason's Wife'. Maybe they didn't mean it that way, and perhaps it was just something said to make me more aware that my husband is a fantastic person to all that know him here, but still, I think I took it the wrong way.
Just 4 days ago, that person walked through the door and said: "Hello Genny". I've been here for almost 2 years now, and Thursday was the first day I was called by my real name by that co-worker. Today, that co-worker rests in Heaven and I know that to be true. But, today, I'm wondering why I'm not crying. Death is sad is it not? Especially when it happens so sudden and tragic as it did in this case.
I didn't know this person as well as so many others who work here did. I didn't have contact with this co-worker on a daily basis, but those who have tears falling from their eyes, and pain in their heart today *did* know him that well. I'm really struggling today with the fact that I'm not crying. I have tried on numerous occasions to lift the spirits of those who are hurt. But, to no avail, they turn their heads at me and ignore my genuine effort to make them feel a little better.
I'm afraid that today I'm being looked down upon because I didn't stay for prayer service after the short meeting. I'm afraid that the sound of keypad typing coming from my office door has those who aren't able to get through today feeling as though I have a hardened heart.
I don't. Honestly, I have a very soft heart and you will occasionally find it on my sleeve. Out there for everyone to see. Wide open for anyone who wishes to puncture it at any time.
I guess I'm reaching out to my faithful readers for help. Help me understand why I'm feeling this way and Please, for the love of God and my co-worker, God Rest His Soul, tell me, I'm not a bad person am I?
Jul 27, 2011
Good Friends - Even If They Are Your Brothers Friends!
Two years ago I flew to California for a week of fun in celebration of my brothers retirement from 23 years of service in the United States Air Force.
Each day of the festivities, mom and dad and I got up early to prepare the food for the days events. Who am I kidding? My mom and dad got up early while I slept in like a princess.
The first night, as I was leaving my brothers house, making my trek across the field of Jack Rabbits to the apartment I was staying in, I was quite surprised at the bodies just passed out cold on his floor. Everywhere. Guy on this couch, wife upstairs in the spare bedroom. Chick on the floor behind the couch and dude a few feet away. Asleep, on the floor. I guess the good thing is, they didn't drive.
The next day, I walk back over to his house, across Jack Rabbit field, in search of coffee and an aspirin for my pounding head. As I walk in the door, everyone is up, already laughing *and* playing the Wii while drinking their coffee. Fuck. It was going to be a very long week of drinking and laughing and one hell of a good time.
When I came home to Mississippi, I had several new friends. It seemed a little lame at the time, but the old adage ran through my mind "a friend of my brothers is a friend of mine". These people were genuine, kind and caring friends. The support system these Military wife's and husbands have within each other is nothing short of amazing. When your spouse is deployed, you can count on that support system.
Two years later, and one week ago, there was another retirement ceremony. Now, I wasn't "officially invited", but because my brother and his wife were going to be 1900 miles closer than normal, and because I hadn't seen them in two years, I figured it was as good a time as any to crash that party.
My first night there, I was privy to "recipe". A kick-ass frozen concoction that once you've made it through your first solo cup full, you pronounce it "RES-IH-PEEEEE". It's probably most advisable to remain standing during consumption so you can practice your balance as you make it through the drink that you actually eat with a spoon! I made the mistake of sitting in the very comfortable bar stool that swivels. Damn it if I didn't have to go to the bathroom shortly after. That was an adventure! You know you're drunk when you look in the mirror and say: "I'm not drunk". You're doomed.
The night was young and my brother and sister in law were NOT slowing down. I figured I'd better get a handle on things after my 3rd Sangria so I could drive back to the hotel. I stopped drinking all together and just people watched. I knew the next night was going to be even crazier too. Lord help me!
Remember in College, when we went out to the club and drank the cheapest drink so we could get drunk the fastest? Yep, that's how this night was. And you know, when you're wasted off your ass, you're like the best damn dancer EVAH! There was a D.J. There were spotlights AND a strobe light. I danced my ass off. And other people were so drunk, they were copying me. So, drunk they told me I was a great dancer! I can't help but die laughing when I think back to it. What a great time we had.
The best part? I'm even closer to my brother and sister-in-law's friends now and I'm counting down the days to South Carolina next year.
I feel another retirement crash coming!
Each day of the festivities, mom and dad and I got up early to prepare the food for the days events. Who am I kidding? My mom and dad got up early while I slept in like a princess.
The first night, as I was leaving my brothers house, making my trek across the field of Jack Rabbits to the apartment I was staying in, I was quite surprised at the bodies just passed out cold on his floor. Everywhere. Guy on this couch, wife upstairs in the spare bedroom. Chick on the floor behind the couch and dude a few feet away. Asleep, on the floor. I guess the good thing is, they didn't drive.
The next day, I walk back over to his house, across Jack Rabbit field, in search of coffee and an aspirin for my pounding head. As I walk in the door, everyone is up, already laughing *and* playing the Wii while drinking their coffee. Fuck. It was going to be a very long week of drinking and laughing and one hell of a good time.
When I came home to Mississippi, I had several new friends. It seemed a little lame at the time, but the old adage ran through my mind "a friend of my brothers is a friend of mine". These people were genuine, kind and caring friends. The support system these Military wife's and husbands have within each other is nothing short of amazing. When your spouse is deployed, you can count on that support system.
Two years later, and one week ago, there was another retirement ceremony. Now, I wasn't "officially invited", but because my brother and his wife were going to be 1900 miles closer than normal, and because I hadn't seen them in two years, I figured it was as good a time as any to crash that party.
My first night there, I was privy to "recipe". A kick-ass frozen concoction that once you've made it through your first solo cup full, you pronounce it "RES-IH-PEEEEE". It's probably most advisable to remain standing during consumption so you can practice your balance as you make it through the drink that you actually eat with a spoon! I made the mistake of sitting in the very comfortable bar stool that swivels. Damn it if I didn't have to go to the bathroom shortly after. That was an adventure! You know you're drunk when you look in the mirror and say: "I'm not drunk". You're doomed.
The night was young and my brother and sister in law were NOT slowing down. I figured I'd better get a handle on things after my 3rd Sangria so I could drive back to the hotel. I stopped drinking all together and just people watched. I knew the next night was going to be even crazier too. Lord help me!
Remember in College, when we went out to the club and drank the cheapest drink so we could get drunk the fastest? Yep, that's how this night was. And you know, when you're wasted off your ass, you're like the best damn dancer EVAH! There was a D.J. There were spotlights AND a strobe light. I danced my ass off. And other people were so drunk, they were copying me. So, drunk they told me I was a great dancer! I can't help but die laughing when I think back to it. What a great time we had.
The best part? I'm even closer to my brother and sister-in-law's friends now and I'm counting down the days to South Carolina next year.
I feel another retirement crash coming!
Jul 25, 2011
TMI, But You Should Feel Sorry for Me for REAL
Who the hell gets sick when they're on vacation and then on TDY?
I do, that's who!
As you may have read yesterday, I went to St. Louis to visit my brother. So, Wednesday through Saturday night was a little mommy play time. I had a great time, once I got there. Sunday, I drove from St. Louis to Murfreesboro, TN for a class that will end Thursday.
So, Sunday I'm headed to Tennessee. Now, when I drive I like to get there. No stopping. No eating, just drive and get to where you're going. About 40 miles into the drive I had to stop. I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I stopped at some rinky dink truck stop and peed, ran back to the car and got back on the Interstate and cranked up the tunes.
30 minutes later, I sneezed and peed.
What the hell? I hadn't consumed enough liquids to be peeing this much. And it was a high probability that I was dehydrated from all the alcohol consumed the previous days. I pulled off the interstate and drove into the Sonic. I was a little sleepy anyway. Nothing like a little Mocha Java Chiller to light me up! I popped the trunk and dug through my suitcase.
Imagine the look on the dudes face when I pulled some panties and a pair of shorts out of my suitcase and headed to the restroom which, by the way, didn't lock and the door handle was about to fall off. I don't think I've ever peed and changed so quick in my life. Yes, I peed again. This time in the toilet. But, what felt like was going to be another bowl full, was nothing but about a teaspoon full. And, Holy mother of God, it burned like hell coming out!
Son of a bitch, am I getting a bladder infection? I wouldn't know, because I've never had one before. I ignored the signs (I was complaining the night before from a little back pain, but I honestly thought it was my drunk dancing. You know, you feel things the next day that you didn't before because that Crown and Coke goes down smooth and makes you feel warm all over!). So, there was back pain, a dull throb in the hooch, fire like sensation when urinating. What? That's not normal? I got back in my car and headed East. I was bound and determined to make it all the way without stopping.
I made it! About 3 hours later I was seriously doing the potty dance at the front desk while the cute boys at the check in desk looked at me all crazy like. I didn't bother moving my car and headed straight up the elevator to my room, in the door and BAM!
I peed my pants again.
Fuck. What the hell am I going to do now? My suitcase is IN THE CAR!
But, you all know I'm a genius. I see a bag on the back of my bathroom door. When I peek inside, what do I find? Jackpot, A BLOW DRYER!
Yes, I did. And when I went downstairs an hour later, I said in my sweetest Southern Drawl, "Lord, I forgot my car was right in the way y'all, I hope I didn't cause any trouble!" And I slipped out the door to move my car.
Y'all, I'm about to die here today! I got up 6 times to pee only to drip drop in the toilet and scream from pain. My neighbors might think there's something fun going on in here but I can assure you there is NOT! When my alarm goes off, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for class. I can't even get in the door good before I'm like:
Oh sorry y'all I gotta pee.
For some reason there is assigned seating in this class since we are all from different parts of the US, so this way we can get to know each other. Whatever. Where is my seat? In the fucking middle of the room! And, what am I going to say to the instructor?
Look dude, I have a bladder infection which means I have to pee every ten minutes and hefty here next to me doesn't look like she wants to be bothered to move every time I have to leave the room. You mind if I sit in the back?
No, I sucked it up and took my seat.
20 minutes in, I exit the room. And again 20 minutes after that. And again 20 minutes after that. And you get the picture. Except it didn't seem to bother the instructor or the gal sitting in the blasted way. It bothered ME!
I finally couldn't stand it anymore and when I was brought to tears in the bathroom for the 80th time, I called my doctor back home and begged for some meds.
Now, my pee is the color Burnt Sienna, I hate Cranberry Juice but have enough of it in my hotel refrigerator to own stock in Ocean Spray, and I'm still in pain!
You can feel sorry for me now. I just told you that I peed my pants twice in one day for Christ's Sake!
I do, that's who!
As you may have read yesterday, I went to St. Louis to visit my brother. So, Wednesday through Saturday night was a little mommy play time. I had a great time, once I got there. Sunday, I drove from St. Louis to Murfreesboro, TN for a class that will end Thursday.
So, Sunday I'm headed to Tennessee. Now, when I drive I like to get there. No stopping. No eating, just drive and get to where you're going. About 40 miles into the drive I had to stop. I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I stopped at some rinky dink truck stop and peed, ran back to the car and got back on the Interstate and cranked up the tunes.
30 minutes later, I sneezed and peed.
What the hell? I hadn't consumed enough liquids to be peeing this much. And it was a high probability that I was dehydrated from all the alcohol consumed the previous days. I pulled off the interstate and drove into the Sonic. I was a little sleepy anyway. Nothing like a little Mocha Java Chiller to light me up! I popped the trunk and dug through my suitcase.
Imagine the look on the dudes face when I pulled some panties and a pair of shorts out of my suitcase and headed to the restroom which, by the way, didn't lock and the door handle was about to fall off. I don't think I've ever peed and changed so quick in my life. Yes, I peed again. This time in the toilet. But, what felt like was going to be another bowl full, was nothing but about a teaspoon full. And, Holy mother of God, it burned like hell coming out!
Son of a bitch, am I getting a bladder infection? I wouldn't know, because I've never had one before. I ignored the signs (I was complaining the night before from a little back pain, but I honestly thought it was my drunk dancing. You know, you feel things the next day that you didn't before because that Crown and Coke goes down smooth and makes you feel warm all over!). So, there was back pain, a dull throb in the hooch, fire like sensation when urinating. What? That's not normal? I got back in my car and headed East. I was bound and determined to make it all the way without stopping.
I made it! About 3 hours later I was seriously doing the potty dance at the front desk while the cute boys at the check in desk looked at me all crazy like. I didn't bother moving my car and headed straight up the elevator to my room, in the door and BAM!
I peed my pants again.
Fuck. What the hell am I going to do now? My suitcase is IN THE CAR!
But, you all know I'm a genius. I see a bag on the back of my bathroom door. When I peek inside, what do I find? Jackpot, A BLOW DRYER!
Yes, I did. And when I went downstairs an hour later, I said in my sweetest Southern Drawl, "Lord, I forgot my car was right in the way y'all, I hope I didn't cause any trouble!" And I slipped out the door to move my car.
Y'all, I'm about to die here today! I got up 6 times to pee only to drip drop in the toilet and scream from pain. My neighbors might think there's something fun going on in here but I can assure you there is NOT! When my alarm goes off, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for class. I can't even get in the door good before I'm like:
Oh sorry y'all I gotta pee.
For some reason there is assigned seating in this class since we are all from different parts of the US, so this way we can get to know each other. Whatever. Where is my seat? In the fucking middle of the room! And, what am I going to say to the instructor?
Look dude, I have a bladder infection which means I have to pee every ten minutes and hefty here next to me doesn't look like she wants to be bothered to move every time I have to leave the room. You mind if I sit in the back?
No, I sucked it up and took my seat.
20 minutes in, I exit the room. And again 20 minutes after that. And again 20 minutes after that. And you get the picture. Except it didn't seem to bother the instructor or the gal sitting in the blasted way. It bothered ME!
I finally couldn't stand it anymore and when I was brought to tears in the bathroom for the 80th time, I called my doctor back home and begged for some meds.
Now, my pee is the color Burnt Sienna, I hate Cranberry Juice but have enough of it in my hotel refrigerator to own stock in Ocean Spray, and I'm still in pain!
You can feel sorry for me now. I just told you that I peed my pants twice in one day for Christ's Sake!
Jul 24, 2011
Hell Yes, I'm Burning my Bridges!!
I'm holding my breath.
Squeezing the wheel.
My knuckles are white.
I'm Looking straight ahead, careful not to move my eyes an inch.
Wishing just this once, my peripheral vision was broken.
My heart is racing.
There are beads of sweat on my forehead.
I close my eyes. WAIT, I'm driving, I can't do that!
My legs being to feel numb.
Tears are streaming down my face.
I think I just peed a little.
Is it over yet? No? How about now? Almost done? Can I start breathing yet? No? Why? Hurry Up!
Please just get over this mother fucking bridge!
I cannot be the only human on the face of this earth that has the most ridiculously unreasonable fear of traveling over bridges. Can I? Seriously, I sometimes try and get out of going places that require me to travel over bridges. What? I have to cross a river, a lake, a fucking bayou? Hell no, I'll stay home.
Of course, if it's the beach I'm traveling to, I'll go. I have friends. My friends have Xanax. Xanax is good.
Guess what? Wednesday AND TODAY, I didn't get to take that Xanax. I WAS THE DRIVER AND ALONE.
I decided I was going to see my brother and his wife since they were going to be in St. Louis for the week which, is 1800 miles closer to me than usual. I can drive 600 miles to see them sure! When my husband map quested my route for me he failed to mention that I had to travel over a damn bridge. Had he NOT failed to mention it, I might have stayed my ass home, Not only have I traveled over one bridge but now, it's been THREE bridges, in THREE days, ALL ALONE!! Not cool at all.
It all started 22 years ago. 1989. The Loma Prieta Earthquake. As a child, bridges never bothered me. I lived in California and the Golden Gate bridge was traveled over by me at least a hundred times. The bay bridge. No big deal. Really it wasn't a problem. But when the earthquake hit there was so much devastation. I wasn't anywhere close to the area that had the worst damage. In fact, I lived 3 hours away. I mean, we still felt it all the way up in the foothills but, it wasn't until the images of the devastation started pouring in over the Television and the magazines and the newspapers. My Biology teacher was right in the middle of it. Thank God, he was not injured. However, I'm still a little pissed off that he decided he was going to come to class and give us major details of the heroic work he did to free so many people from their cars.
Their smashed cars.
From the bridges, overpasses and stacked interstates they traveled across. In their cars.
The cars they all thought they were safe in.
It was graphic, and gory and so heartbreaking and scary that I literally haven't been the same since. Because now I know, I'm going to die in a horrific crash, while traveling over a bridge. I'll probably still be alive, at least a little bit, and then my car will go careening over the side of a bridge. I wont have anything sharp in the my glove box so as to bust out my window because I have a car with electric windows and once the car hits the water the electricity will no longer be so god damn awesome because we're so lazy we can't roll our damn windows down so there I'll sit. Clinging to life with major injuries, and drowning because I can't get out of my car, somebody help me!
It's best if I'm not the driver when traveling over bridges. And if you know that we have to travel over a bridge and I'm driving but, there's a chance that I don't know we are traveling over a bridge but you forget to tell me, I will pull over once across the bridge and punch you in your taco.
Friends, it's very safe to assume that as a passenger when traveling across bridges, if I'm looking out the window, I've taken 5 Xanax or I'm completely drunk. If I'm neither of the two then I probably have my head between my legs doing breathing exercises!
But, if I'm the one actually *driving* over the bridge, I'll probably be taking 5 Xanax AND getting drunk very shortly after!!
Squeezing the wheel.
My knuckles are white.
I'm Looking straight ahead, careful not to move my eyes an inch.
Wishing just this once, my peripheral vision was broken.
My heart is racing.
There are beads of sweat on my forehead.
I close my eyes. WAIT, I'm driving, I can't do that!
My legs being to feel numb.
Tears are streaming down my face.
I think I just peed a little.
Is it over yet? No? How about now? Almost done? Can I start breathing yet? No? Why? Hurry Up!
Please just get over this mother fucking bridge!
I cannot be the only human on the face of this earth that has the most ridiculously unreasonable fear of traveling over bridges. Can I? Seriously, I sometimes try and get out of going places that require me to travel over bridges. What? I have to cross a river, a lake, a fucking bayou? Hell no, I'll stay home.
Of course, if it's the beach I'm traveling to, I'll go. I have friends. My friends have Xanax. Xanax is good.
Guess what? Wednesday AND TODAY, I didn't get to take that Xanax. I WAS THE DRIVER AND ALONE.
I decided I was going to see my brother and his wife since they were going to be in St. Louis for the week which, is 1800 miles closer to me than usual. I can drive 600 miles to see them sure! When my husband map quested my route for me he failed to mention that I had to travel over a damn bridge. Had he NOT failed to mention it, I might have stayed my ass home, Not only have I traveled over one bridge but now, it's been THREE bridges, in THREE days, ALL ALONE!! Not cool at all.
It all started 22 years ago. 1989. The Loma Prieta Earthquake. As a child, bridges never bothered me. I lived in California and the Golden Gate bridge was traveled over by me at least a hundred times. The bay bridge. No big deal. Really it wasn't a problem. But when the earthquake hit there was so much devastation. I wasn't anywhere close to the area that had the worst damage. In fact, I lived 3 hours away. I mean, we still felt it all the way up in the foothills but, it wasn't until the images of the devastation started pouring in over the Television and the magazines and the newspapers. My Biology teacher was right in the middle of it. Thank God, he was not injured. However, I'm still a little pissed off that he decided he was going to come to class and give us major details of the heroic work he did to free so many people from their cars.
Their smashed cars.
From the bridges, overpasses and stacked interstates they traveled across. In their cars.
The cars they all thought they were safe in.
It was graphic, and gory and so heartbreaking and scary that I literally haven't been the same since. Because now I know, I'm going to die in a horrific crash, while traveling over a bridge. I'll probably still be alive, at least a little bit, and then my car will go careening over the side of a bridge. I wont have anything sharp in the my glove box so as to bust out my window because I have a car with electric windows and once the car hits the water the electricity will no longer be so god damn awesome because we're so lazy we can't roll our damn windows down so there I'll sit. Clinging to life with major injuries, and drowning because I can't get out of my car, somebody help me!
It's best if I'm not the driver when traveling over bridges. And if you know that we have to travel over a bridge and I'm driving but, there's a chance that I don't know we are traveling over a bridge but you forget to tell me, I will pull over once across the bridge and punch you in your taco.
Friends, it's very safe to assume that as a passenger when traveling across bridges, if I'm looking out the window, I've taken 5 Xanax or I'm completely drunk. If I'm neither of the two then I probably have my head between my legs doing breathing exercises!
But, if I'm the one actually *driving* over the bridge, I'll probably be taking 5 Xanax AND getting drunk very shortly after!!
Jun 15, 2011
I *am* a Runner
Seven weeks ago yesterday, I came up with the brilliant idea that I was going to start running again.
Yes, I said running.
But you know what I mean - hell, I'd be lying if I said I ran but jogging sounds so lame to me.
Hey Hun, I'm going out for a jog!
Sounds lame right? But, this sounds bad ass:
Whew, that run was wicked!
Seriously though, I'm probably the slowest runner in Mississippi. Really, I know we're the fattest state and all but, because of my superior driving skills, I just about drive over a runner every single day. They seem to be everywhere!
This is why I choose to get my fat ass up at 4:30 am. I run in the dark. The morning dark. The night dark is still too hot and once, I tried to run at night and I literally went around the block. One time. And I walked 1/2 way. It's just too damn hot and I'm already drained from my day job. So, I run in the morning dark. Mostly because I'm refreshed from sleeping and I have more energy. But, also because all things (like 97% humidity and the fact that it's already 75 degrees at 4:30 am) considered, it really is cooler. However, I originally started my running journey in the morning because of the fucking asshole runners that seem to be everywhere in my neighborhood and all along every single road my pretty little Altima travels over. They're EVERYWHERE! Truth is, I don't want them to be jealous of my stealth running skills. Ha, NOT! I would hate to be lapped in my own neighborhood. So, I choose the very early morning for my run.
The first few days I was running the hood solo. All alone. Nothing but my thoughts and very heavy breathing to keep me company. Sorry guys, the heavy breathing is the gross kind, not the sexy kind. Anyway, a few of the mornings I would see a nice older lady taking what seemed to be a leisurely walk. At 5 am. I threw my hand up and panted a "morning" to her as we passed each other. A few times, I even saw her *jogging*. I unconsciously picked up my pace when I saw her up ahead. And yes, I even looked over my shoulder to make sure she was out of site so I could slow down again.
It freaked me the hell out last Friday when I saw her. The bitch was running. RUNNING. Not jogging like fatty here. Running. At first I was impressed. I thought 'good for her', she's picking up her pace.
Who am I kidding? I was pissed.
Today, I'm not so impressed. In fact, I'm still a little pissed. See, each morning we'd meet at a certain point, me going one way and she going the other and we passed every morning at the same spot. Without fail, I'd beat her on our second lap around. You know, three or four driveways ahead of our first passing point. Today, even though I ran about three quarters of a mile farther than usual, I looped around the same streets on the way back. I was going one way and she was going the other. When I got back around to the other side she was headed straight out of the neighborhood!!!
SHE BEAT ME!
I'm going to bed now so I can get plenty of rest. I'll be sprinting tomorrow.
Please call me, text me or email me sometime during the day and check on me. I feel sure I'll kill myself out there. I'll probably fall on my face. Skin my knees up or break a leg, but I'll be damned if the *JOGGER* is going to show me up!
Yes, I said running.
But you know what I mean - hell, I'd be lying if I said I ran but jogging sounds so lame to me.
Hey Hun, I'm going out for a jog!
Sounds lame right? But, this sounds bad ass:
Whew, that run was wicked!
Seriously though, I'm probably the slowest runner in Mississippi. Really, I know we're the fattest state and all but, because of my superior driving skills, I just about drive over a runner every single day. They seem to be everywhere!
This is why I choose to get my fat ass up at 4:30 am. I run in the dark. The morning dark. The night dark is still too hot and once, I tried to run at night and I literally went around the block. One time. And I walked 1/2 way. It's just too damn hot and I'm already drained from my day job. So, I run in the morning dark. Mostly because I'm refreshed from sleeping and I have more energy. But, also because all things (like 97% humidity and the fact that it's already 75 degrees at 4:30 am) considered, it really is cooler. However, I originally started my running journey in the morning because of the fucking asshole runners that seem to be everywhere in my neighborhood and all along every single road my pretty little Altima travels over. They're EVERYWHERE! Truth is, I don't want them to be jealous of my stealth running skills. Ha, NOT! I would hate to be lapped in my own neighborhood. So, I choose the very early morning for my run.
The first few days I was running the hood solo. All alone. Nothing but my thoughts and very heavy breathing to keep me company. Sorry guys, the heavy breathing is the gross kind, not the sexy kind. Anyway, a few of the mornings I would see a nice older lady taking what seemed to be a leisurely walk. At 5 am. I threw my hand up and panted a "morning" to her as we passed each other. A few times, I even saw her *jogging*. I unconsciously picked up my pace when I saw her up ahead. And yes, I even looked over my shoulder to make sure she was out of site so I could slow down again.
It freaked me the hell out last Friday when I saw her. The bitch was running. RUNNING. Not jogging like fatty here. Running. At first I was impressed. I thought 'good for her', she's picking up her pace.
Who am I kidding? I was pissed.
Today, I'm not so impressed. In fact, I'm still a little pissed. See, each morning we'd meet at a certain point, me going one way and she going the other and we passed every morning at the same spot. Without fail, I'd beat her on our second lap around. You know, three or four driveways ahead of our first passing point. Today, even though I ran about three quarters of a mile farther than usual, I looped around the same streets on the way back. I was going one way and she was going the other. When I got back around to the other side she was headed straight out of the neighborhood!!!
SHE BEAT ME!
I'm going to bed now so I can get plenty of rest. I'll be sprinting tomorrow.
Please call me, text me or email me sometime during the day and check on me. I feel sure I'll kill myself out there. I'll probably fall on my face. Skin my knees up or break a leg, but I'll be damned if the *JOGGER* is going to show me up!
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