The Real Me

I am not a mean person.

I'm funny.

Sometimes very giving.

I wear my heart on my sleeve which ends up kocking me down in most cases.

I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings.  No matter how ugly you are, I refuse to hurt your feelings.  After all, God made you and I will NEVER think you are ugly.  God doesn't make mistakes and He had the best of intentions when He made you the way you are.  So really, nobody is ugly.  Looks wise you know...personality, now that's a different story and don't get me started on that - you'd be here next week reading about all the "ugly" (mean) people I've encountered in my lifetime.

But mean, I really don't think I am.  Now, my kids will tell you a different story I can promise you that.  Because really, if I have to tell you seven thousand eight hundred and thirty one times how to glue grass in the shoebox, you weren't paying attention the first several thousand times I told you.  So yes, I'm going to yell which in children's minds is being mean. I just think my point is made much more clear when I raise my voice 3 decibles.

I can't stand yelling.  It makes my heart race. It makes me look very ugly because apparently I hold my face in the yelling position for several hours afterward.  So, don't make me yell at you.  Because there are so many judgey people who will think I'm actually not good looking and that God really did make a mistake when he left my face all crinkled up.

However, I recently enjoyed getting my point across with words rather than with voice escalation.  I'm becoming fairly good at it too.

Is it wrong for me to enjoy making someone feel guilty for not following directions, or for making a mistake that I know for a fact that I would never do because of my overwhelming gift of niceness?  I don't think so.

I mean, I did just get my point across a few minutes ago.  I didn't have to yell, kick or scream.  Hell, I didn't even cry and I think I got my point across. My old trick to get you to feel bad or guilty was to make myself cry so you would feel bad for me. 

Not anymore buddy, I have words.  The best part of it all was that I didn't even frown.  In fact, I think there was a slight grin, a smug expression if you will.

My point was made, and I walked away feeling so great!  I didn't have to yell.  I didn't have to say mean things and I came out the same nice, friendly, caring, giving person I've always been.  I walked to my office, put my lunch bag next to my purse so I wouldn't forget it because, if I *forgot* to mention that I *forget* a lot of things lately (I'm not sure if it's age or what but,  I don't think I should worry about it),  me being *forgetful* was the reason I almost yelled today. I could have easily cried too because my feelings were hurt that someone *forgot* to remind me that I was *forgetting* something.

I'm sure it wasn't intention at all.  Because I am usually the one reminding folks of things when necessary. Nobody ever thinks to *remind* me of anything.  It wasn't really a big issue and I wasn't going to say anything at all about it until someone put the *reminder* in my head that had it been anyone else *I* would be the one doing the reminding so that they didn't FORGET!

Still with me?  Good - my point to this long story about how I didn't have to yell today becuase I have changed with age and am able to use words rather than raise my voice or cry or stomp my feet is that when I got to my office, my heart started racing and I feel like there is a gigantic elephant sitting on my chest.  I've also had to get a kleenex because I feel like I may have hurt feelings with my "words".  I was clever, and was sure not to say anything harmful. But since I didn't end the conversation with "it's ok, don't worry about it" and just brushing it off  I feel horrible.  I feel like a different person and think perhaps I should apologize for being so crass and smug with my words. 

Only for one minute did I feel like such a great person for not yelling (by the way, I don't yell when I'm at this establishment, only home, to my kids, who can't really hear well. I think).  The more I think about it, that's not really who am at all. 

I am the person you can step on just so you're a little bit taller.

I am the person who will always put in a little extra every single time, so that you don't have to do as much.  Yes, I will complain about it but I would rather complain than have you do something that you, well - don't really want to do.  In my wiser years, I have changed the word complain to vent.  Because when you complain, you have to have a solution.  If you vent, no solution is necessary.  I don't really want a solution because I feel like if I find a solution to me not doing so much work I become less valuable.  My assests go down with every complaint.  If I vent, I feel much better about the day and move on. 

I'm also the person who even if I really didn't do anything wrong, I will make myself believe that I did if I feel like it will make you have a better day.

I'm sorry.  And, You're welcome.