I had the great misfortune of going to the dentist today. Blah!
I have terrible teeth. Always have.
I wouldn't say I'm afraid of the dentist, but I just never have had a great experience going to the dentist.
Until now. I have finally found someone who doesn't hurt me. At all. And, I love her!
My dentist is the bomb.com/yourmom. She's hilarious and all of her hygenists and assistants are equally funny. One of my co-workers sent me to her and let me quote him as for his reasons for faking a tooth-ache:
Genny, you gotta see her - she gives you nitrus oxide and forgets about you for about thirty minutes so then you don't give a shit how big the needle is she's sticking you with!
So, I started seeing the great doctor and today, I had the mother lode of procedures done. I told you the tooth fairy wasn't good to me, didn't I? I mean, I must have been last in line when they were handing out nice, healthy teeth. Seriously. Anyway, let's just put it this way. Today I paid everyone's salary in the dentist office with all of the work I had done. TIMES TWO!!!
Back to today's appointment. I've already had the numbing gel and three injections into my gums and jaw and the assistant comes over with this runny pink goup and says it's time for an impression. I gave her the only impression I knew how to do. I said: Oh.....my.....Gawd..Chandler Bing! In my best Janice voice. She only stared at me (either she's too young and never watched Friends or the anesthesia really made my "impression" sound bad) and then she shoved this in my mouth:
I look stoned in this picture, no? I felt pretty good that's for damn sure! I now see that she spilled a little down my chin. I was wondering what she was picking at on my chin. I thought she suddenly felt as though we were close enough for her to start picking a zit on my chin. She did afterall, have both hands in my mouth!
The doc came back over and started drilling more in my mouth. I really do love my dentist. She is sweet and talks to you about anything you want to nod your head at. And belly laugh. Because I don't know how you laugh with a giant spacer in your jaw, three hands and a drill in your mouth, laying practically upside down. You can't nod your head or wave your arms because then she'll think something is wrong and stop drilling. Which is exactly what I needed her to do. Not only did I feel the drill but suddenly, I needed to sneeze so I waved my arms and faked a sneeze. They started cracking up at me but kept drilling and I was all....
ooooo, i weeeeelllly leed ha heeze.....i heeel iiii coooneeee ohh.
If you don't understand that please humor me. Open your mouth as wide as you can and then even wider and say "No, I really need to sneeze, I feel it coming on" And tell me that's not how you would spell that!
Anyway, they stopped drilling, removed all three hands and the jaw-holder-openy-thingy from the left side of my mouth and.....I didn't sneeze. My nose was on fire and that sneeze was right there. The doc said it must be the anesthesia wearing off so she did this:
I made the the assistant take this picture so I could text it to my husband. I wanted him to feel sorry for me and quit being pissed off that I was paying so much to have my teeth fixed. And, it *totally* worked!!!! He hates needles and nearly passed out at work. Ha!
Before the doctor put the big ol' "keeps your mouth open and stretches it wide enough for you to suck on a soda can" device in my mouth she asked me if I needed to sneeze still. When I told her I felt like the tingling was still there she said:
I always say "Brown Cow" when I have to sneeze. It works every time. Try it.
With my eyes closed and head back on the comfortable chair I said:
Brown Cow....Brown Cow....Brown Cow.
I opened my right eye to see those silly girls buckled over in laughter.
They tricked me.
Apparently, they have an early morning office meeting to decide on the color of the day. Today it was brown and they tell *all* the patients to say BROWN COW!