Jan 31, 2011

Techie Free and All about Me

I'm baaaaack!

I decided to take a techie break.  You know, lay my phone down and ignore the constant beeping from incoming texts.  Not turn the computer on and check my email.  Forget Facebook.  Thank kind of break.

That shit was hard, dude.  And if you text me over the weekend and I haven't returned your text, please don't wait for it.  I deleted them so I can start over today.  I guess you're not stuck on the side of the road or out of toilet paper because if it were that kind of emergency then you would have PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ME!!!

Yes, I do have a problem.  I'm addicted to technology.  Bad.  I would seriously rather text you to tell you something than actually dial your number and talk to you.  So, I decided enough was enough and I put my phone in a drawer and left the home computer off for the entire weekend. 

OK.  I'm lying.  I couldn't make it the whole weekend.  You know why?  I'll tell you:  I ate every piece of bread in the entire house.  Instead of playing on the computer I read.  TWO BOOKS!  When all the bread was gone out of the house I had to have something to occupy my stomach while reading so I made MORE BREAD!  Seriously, it might have been healthier if I'd have just returned all of your texts and played Scarab Solitaire on Facebook all weekend long!

I was taking a break from my 2nd book because I had to take a dump go to the bathroom.  I usually bring my book along to drop the kids off at the pool, but I dropped it in my rush to get to the toilet in time.  The most recent Food Network magazine was sitting on the back of the toilet and I grabbed it and started reading.

Really quick, my husband thinks it's so ridiculous that I actually have time to read an article or seven while "filing paperwork in the office".  He thinks I should just be able to get in there and get it done quick.  He says that if I have to sit there that long, then *it* wasn't ready to unload.  I have news for him.  My bowels must be a lot longer than his because this chick needs at least 30 minutes!  It only takes him 2 at the most.

Anyway, making a donation to the super "bowl" I found a recipe for Parker House Rolls and *had* to make them right away. Here's a picture of my rolls that are now demolished:

In my defense I halved the recipe and there were 3 other bread lovers in my house this weekend, so they shared in the demolition of the yummiest rolls.  If you want to make this buttery goodness then you can just go here to find Alex Guarnaschelli's Parker House Rolls recipe for Food Network Magazine.

I have to say that I'm very glad to back in your lives, writing, texting and following along with your life by stalking your Facebook pages.  Don't think I don't do it either.  Here's what I have for you today as if the above weren't enough.  A little interview of me, by me!

1. If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be? It depends on the topic, I mean shit how could I just start giving the entire world advice?  On what subject would you like my advice?  Sorry interviewer, you'll have to be more specific.  Life in general?  Do not stare. It's rude.  I do it all the time and get the finger. Then I get pissed because of someones audacity to actually flip me off just because I'm nosey.

2. If you could have a room full of any one thing, what would it be? I think it would be damn cool if I could have a room full of......hell, I can't think of anything because you are making me narrow it down to ONE thing.  I'm too indecisive to tell you just one thing.  Of course Chocolate but I love bread too.  I used to say that if I were stranded on a deserted island the one thing I could totally live on was bread.  So bread it is.  Make my room full of carbs (my spell check wanted me to put CRABS there).  A couch made from bread - how totally cool would that be?  Just lay on the couch watching TV and gnaw on the arm of the couch, ha! So, it looks like Chocolate Covered Bread is what I would want.  YUM!

3. What do you value most in other people? Seriously, it helps if you're going to be honest.  I cannot stand when people lie.  And if your honesty hurts my feelings, so be it.  I will like you and talk about you much, much less if you are honest with me.  Because really, I'm still gonna talk about your ass.  Just a lot less, if you stay honest with me.

4. If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see? That's a stupid question. But, Hot pink.  Hot pink is the other color I would like to be able to see.  Because really?  Why would God make us if we couldn't see His beautiful colors?

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Nothing.  I'm perfect.  Really, I am.  Except for my ass.  It's pretty much a donkey butt.  Oh, and hands.  I have man hands and they don't go with my body.  Then, there's this issue with my boobs.  You might think they are substantial when you look at me but that's only because I wear a padded bra filled with extra balloon pads.  I honestly have NO boobs.  They too, do not belong on my body.  If my boobs were proportioned with my back side then I'd at least be wearing a D cup.  But other than that......I'm good.

6. If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass on to your children, what would it be? My humor.  Because I'm funny right?  RIGHT?  I often use my humor to even cheer myself up and to hide my true feelings.  But really, if I can walk into a room and smile and say something totally off the wall and make just *one* person laugh, then I've done my job.  But, for realz though, my son is going to be a stand up comedian....you watch.

7. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?  If I absolutely knew that without a doubt that I would not fail I would read a script for a comedy show and become famous!

8. Would you rather teach a young child to read or have to learn again for yourself? Are you FKM?????  Have you ever listened to a 4 year old try to read?  Dude, I'd much rather learn to read again from someone who can teach me than have to teach a young child to read myself.  I've tried that and can't do it. I've found myself getting frustrated and throw the book while telling that young child that technology is growing at a rapid pace so, hang tight and before you know it, you won't ever have to even know how to read!

9. What is the best advice you've ever given and received? About 3 seconds ago, I told someone to smile while they talk on the phone so it gives the impression that whatever the person on the other end is saying, it's really not bothering you.  As long as you let someone see or even hear tension in your voice they are dominating the conversation.  Sort of like, "don't let 'em see you sweat".  Another one I like to share is when someone complains "that's not fair", I always come back with "The only thing that is *FAIR* in life comes to town once a year and it's usually around my birthday".

10. How would you like to die? My entire family and all of my friends know that I am convinced that I'm going to die in a horrible car accident only after I have been cut out of my vehicle with the jaws of life and the paramedics have to find a cooler big enough to pack my leg in so they can attempt to reattach it at the hospital.  They reattach it while I'm on life support but since I have a DNR they are trying to keep me hanging on until my family can say goodbye, but I never make it.  However, I would *like* to die in my sleep after a long night of hot passionate sex with hubby while he fed me chocolate covered bread. 

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